Noli Me Tangere (Don't Touch Me)

1# Not So Cool Ranch Doritos

"Our baby boy has gotten so big George, collage already? I can't handle this " my mother exclaimed before launching herself into the off balance arms of fathers. He caught her with the amount of grace a duck on ice skates would posses. Quickly regaining his balance, dad wrapped one arm around her waist the other coming up to the back of her head. Gently pushing her head into the crook of his shoulder. He held her tightly resting his own head on her shoulder for moment, rocking them back and forth slightly to calm my hysterical mother.

I stood there awkwardly, looking in every other direction. Pretending to appreciate the paint job of the elderly neighbors house that looked a day away from completely fossilizing. my fathers grip on my mother loosened and he readjusted her so she was standing beside him with one hand on his chest the other wrapped around his waist with a tight grip. She looked up from the ground slowly making eye contact, much like a child would look out the window while pretending to be in a sad music video. She let out a reassuring sigh before walking towards me in slow calculated steps. Making dead eye contact with me she began with a serious expression;

"Call me every night before you go to sleep, I don't want you getting into any drugs or illegal gangs-"

Before I even had the chance to explain that I wasn't gonna go out and start doing Illegal things, my father bursts into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. I again stood there dumbfounded,  my mother blinked once...twice...three times.

"HOW DARE YOU GEORGE, I GAVE YOU MY UNDYING LOVE, 6 LOVLEY CHILDREN, A ROOF TO LIVE UNDER AND MY VIRGINTY AND THIS IS HOW YOU PAY ME BACK"

"Hon-honey I'm sorry, it-it's just that in order to leave his house, our Freddy bears gonna need to make friends and we'll he isn't really that socia-"

"OH SO NOW YOUR SAYING I FAILED AS A PARENT, MAY AS WELL JUST SPIT ON ME AND THROW ME IN A DUMPSTER GEORGE. YOU KNOW I USED TO BE A BAD BITCH GEORGE, I COULD GET ANY MAN AND I SETTLED FOR YOUR DUMBAS-"

"OKAY THATS ENOUGH"

*cough* *cough*

"Mom I need to get going, I've got a long drive and if I stay any later I'm gonna be driving in the dark"

This seemed to snap my mom out of her rant. She whiped around looking at me with wide eyes.  Taking a large step forward staggering slightly, before running at me and jumping into my arms. I was more then prepared for this and caught all 120 pounds or her 5'0 frame. Grabbing underneath her thighs like you would when holding a child. She wrapped her arms around my the back of my neck and her legs around my slim waist like a koala bear.

"Your right, your right, your right. Bye bye my Freddy bear you better keep in touch, me and your father love you"

Pulling away she grabbed my face with her small and delicate hands. Leaning forward she pecked both my cheeks quickly before pulling her legs back before roughly shoving her heels into my back, causing me to grunt and release my hold on her. She landed on the ground in one swift movement and saluted at me before padding over and grabbing my father by the arm to drag him into the house. He waved at me quickly and shot me a sheepish grin. Before slamming the door.

Letting out a sigh of relief I finished throwing the last duffle bag into the back of my sleek black Jeep Wrangler. I slammed the back door shut checking that it was closed securely before walking around to the driver door. Glancing at my childhood home one final time before getting into my jeep and driving off into the next stage of my life.

If only it was that poetic. I went to sit down in my car and sat down on my keys. Successfully stabbing myself in the ass, despite the huge green Pom Pom and the Luigi plushie on my lanyard. Causing me to Yelp and jump up and hit my head on the roof, which also scared me so I proceeded to throw myself in the direction of the door to get out of this car seat from hell. Only to Misplace my foot and face plant out of my drivers door. Not without smacking my face off the steering wheel successfully setting of the horn. Before letting my inevitable end by eating concrete. What a great start.

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3 hours into my 6 hour car trip I gave into my crushing urge to empty my bladder and buy junk food; I definitely didn't need it and was gonna feel bad about eating it later, but that's fine. Pulling into the least sketchy looking 7-Eleven I could find along the Anthony Henday. I began my adventure to obesity and an empty bladder. Although I'd like to think my odds of getting mugged, shot, or killed in Edmonton, Alberta are slim to begin with.

Even so while walking towards the establishment I began glancing around and taking in my surrounding. In case I get mugged by a group of scrawny white boys trying to find income to support there nicotine addictions. While glancing around my eyes stuck on a shiny object in a pit of wood chips beside a A&W advertisement about their " 100% PLANT BASED BURGER PATTYS"

Getting side tracked I began walking towards the shiny object, like an idiot. This is why I would die first in a horror movie. Using my beat up converse I move around the wood chips from around the object to set my sights on a abnormally shiny butter knife, I picked up the peculiar object to inspect it further. Nothing seemed overly special about the knife itself but I felt drawn to it in a way I couldn't quite explain. Deciding not to think to much into it I took the free cutlery. 

20 minutes later I was on the road again, with 40$ worth of energy drinks, coffee crisps, and cool ranch Doritos, and an abnormally shiny butter knife.

Life is good

"Ugh, what does a guy have to do to get a decent snack around here"

Knowing that I was supposed to be the only person in the car I jumped and swerved through 3 lanes of traffic. Before quickly regaining my control realizing that I could die. I waited a few moments hoping that I had just pictured a voice in my head and that there wasn't a 40 year old hobo laying in my backseat. After not hearing anything for a minute my shoulder un-tensed and I began to relax.

Before I heard shuffling. My shoulder tense and my blood ran cold, I began thinking about all of the things that could possibly be sitting behind me, and what on gods green earth I was gonna do when they tried to mug or kill me. I should have prayed more, maybe then I'd at least be going to heaven. What was the last thing I said to my mom, uhhhhh SHIT I don't remember. this is bad, this is very bad.... WAIT AM I GONNA DIE A VIRGIN.

"Geez what kind of hospitality is this, and what in the actual fuck are these, listen man I'm not from this era but I'd bet you any money that nothing with the name "cool ranch" is gonna be any good"

I stilled again, still keeping my normal speed and not swerving. But calmly glancing over a small boy with short white hair, except for one section in the front that was longer and contained a black strand. In a white button up with black trousers, along with black suspenders, and a belt that was much to long and had a wicked curve to it, Black fingerless gloves and chunky black combat boots. Sat with one legged tucked in front of his small hunched Frame. While the other leg stood perched by his side, all while my bag of snacks lay full in his lap. In my passenger seat.

What.The.Fuck

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A/N 

Thoughts?