Pain of July

July 2

"The only key is acceptance in order to move on."

"I don't understand your way of thinking Mira. You want to bury your mom now without the 9 days wake? Hindi mo ba papapuntahin yung kamag-anak niya?" Tita Felice asked. I know she's holding herself not to shout. I just want mom to be buried already. Anong silbi nang wake? To keep the memories awake? To make the suffering long? Para ano pa?

"Yes tita. That's my decision I hope you would consider it. If hindi I'll not attend mom's funeral." I said seriously. Hindi ko na siya hinintay na magsalita pa, umalis na ako sa hapag kainan. Disrespectful it is pero wala akong pakialam.

It's Tuesday morning. The weather is not good. Uulan ng ganito kaaga. Even the sky is in sorrow. My tears are now falling. Hindi ko lang matanggap ang lahat kaya ako ganito.

I heard some footsteps toward me pero hindi ko ito inabalang lingunin. I continue to watch how the sky becomes dark.

"The schedule of her burial is tomorrow 3 pm. I did arrange all the things. I'll be handing the documents tomorrow." It's tita Felice. Selfish it is pero I don't want everyone to mourn that long. Okay, I don't want myself to mourn for that long. 9 days of mourning isn't helping. Besides the only relative mom had is Tito Roland who died years ago, that's the only thing I know.

"Thank you Tita." I faced her and she hugged me in response. I cried again for the nth time. Simula kahapon hanggang ngayon hindi maubos ubos ang luha ko. It's everlasting like how I love mom.

"Hush now baby. Everything will be alright." She said while rubbing my back. It's good to know that Tita is here. Hindi ko na alam kung kanino sasandal ngayon. Ang bigat.

Tumahan na ako and face her.

"Ang sakit lang Tita. I did ask for an extension to make more memories with her pero hindi niya binigay. Am I a bad daughter? A bad person? Bakit ganon? Is he real? Is the father in heaven real?" Is he-" she cutted me off. I sighed in frustration.

"Don't ever question his existence. Father Yahweh is real. He is. You're a good daughter Miracle. A miracle to all. There are things that we don't control and there is a purpose kaya ito nangyari." She said. I know everything about that I just can't accept the fact that mom is now gone forever.

"I'm sorry. I'm tired tita." I said and lay in bed. Pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko. I'm giving up. Maybe I should kill myself to cut the pain inside. But it is a sin.

Tita kissed me on the forehead before she left me in my room.

It's past 7 in the evening when someone ring the doorbell. Nanay Tessa, our housekeeper approached us.

"Maam Felice, studyante niyo raw po. Brian Williams daw po." Nanay said. I just don't mind their conversation as long as I'm not involved. It's a teacher student world. I'm out of it.

I continue my dinner eventhough wala talaga akong gana. Gusto ko lang libangin ang sarili ko sa paghihiwa nang beef barbeque.

I heard footsteps papasok ng dining area.

"Mira if you don't mind pwede bang dumito muna si Brian in a week?" Tita asked. I know this is my house but she's my guardian now, what's with the permission?

"Tita you don't need to ask my permission. My house is your house. Do whatever you want." I said without facing them. Nakatuon lang ako sa barbeque na kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi ko mahiwa.

"I know but it's a sign of respect dear." She said. I just nodded. Naiinis na ako sa karneng ito. Bat ba ang tigas neto?

"Let me. You're doing it wrong." Some strange guy grabbed my fork and knife and sliced the meat smoothly. Woah. He did it nicely.

"Thank-" I didn't finish my thank you as I faced him. The guy who hugged me yesterday.

"It's you." I said and faced my dinner again. Nothing to be amazed. He'll be here for a week, no one cares. And a 'thank you' for yesterday's scenario isn't a deal. No need for that I guess.

"Yeah it's me. How are you?" He asked. I'm not interested in him and I'm not in the mood for chit chats. 

"Tita I need to go to my room." I said facing Tita. I lose my appetite well I don't have the appetite in the first place.

I walked out of the dining area but I realized it's so rude to hang his question. I faced him again.

"I'm good. Welcome to our home, Brian Williams." I said and turn my back. I really need to be alone.

"Mom, where are you?" I shouted. We're here at the small garden. The air is refreshing.

"Mira I'm here come and get me dear." Mom shouted back. There she is. As I run towards her palayo siya nang palayo.

"Mom, wait don't go too far." I shouted. Kinakabahan ako. Why is she running away?

"Mom wait!!!" I shouted again but she's still running away. As she runs, she's fading.

"Mom!!!!! Mom!!!!! Wait! Mooommmm!!!!!!!"

"Wake up! Wake up! You're having a nightmare." Someone shouted kaya nagising ako. I hugged the person in front of me without a second thought. My tears are falling hard.

"Let it out." He said. He's a guy.

"Mom I m-miss y-you." I said between my sobs.

Ng tumahan na ako ay humiwalay na ako sa pagyakap. Later I realized it's Brian. I'm not surprised at all.

"It's you again. How did you get in?" I asked but in my head naalala ko na hindi ko sinira yung pinto ko. So stupid.

"Drink your water first." He said and handed me a glass of water. I drank it all and faced him again.

"Answer my question." I said in authority. I don't pass anything even a small question.

"You knew the answer already. My room is beside you. Good night." He said and left me. I'm not amazed nor irritated by how he acted. A nothing scenario to be kept in my memory.

He did lock my door before closing it. He's nice but I'm not in the mood to be his friend.

Hihiga na sana ako ulit ng tumunog ang phone ko.

1 new message

From: 09665580313

Listen to this instrumental before you sleep.

Attachment: Brian'slist_949.mp3

I clicked it and let myself drown to it's melody.