Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter XIX: Remorseful Regrets

[ DISCLAIMER: This episode contains depressive themes and suicidal thoughts. Please read with CAUTION.]

~Recap~

The whole night seemed like a fever dream I would never wake up from. Honestly, if it was I dream I didn't want to wake up. The last thing I remember was sitting down on a bench. My feet were and so was I. I couldn't walk another step.

The cold night air didn't really affect me as I was overcome with this warm feeling. That I wasn't alone in this world. I opened my tear stained eyes to see Damien. I recoiled back in shock. No no no no no! He can't be here!

~~~~~~~

The sun beaming down on that early morning woke me up. I was left with that warm feeling that came over me last night. I guess I had dreamt about Damien. . . but he wasn't actually here.

My hand met the cold bench as I realized where I was. I don't know how I managed to fall asleep on a cold hard bench outside; although, I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I tried to shove the events of yesterday out of my head.

Some things are better forgotten than others.

I had fallen asleep somewhat close to a store. Maybe I could find some food there. Last time I tried to steal. It didn't go too well so I don't think I'm going to try that again. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. 

The morning was still young, so I should be able to find something to eat. The people in the street gave me dirty looks as I walked by. My hair was not the neatest, and appearance not the cleanest. No doubt people would judge me.

With each step, I contemplated where I could go. There was on thought I couldn't get out of my mind.

Go back to Damien.

I was on the one who left, yet I longed to be with him again. One part of me wanted to run far away from all my troubles, and the other side of me longed to be reunited with Damien.

But which would I choose?

I went back and forth through every possible outcome. Which would be the best? Damien is the only person I have left, so without him I'm nothing. But with him means one of our destructions. The decision I made would dictate my entire future. What if I choose wrong?

When it came down to everything, I knew what I should do. I just didn't know If I could.

~Damien's Perspective~

I was woken up by a terrible headache. The night was fuzzy, but somehow I got home. I had fallen asleep on the couch with many objects on it. The house still looked a mess from where I had a temper tantrum. Why am I like this?

At this point, I was too tired to try anymore. Everything I did just ended badly. I didn't have the energy anymore to search for Sophia. Maybe it was for the best. . . . but I still wanted to see her one last time. Although I knew in my heart I wouldn't. Sophia would never cease in my mind. I would never forget how she made me feel.

How, with her, I was complete. That maybe everyone in the world wasn't so bad. She gave my life a sense of purpose. Living for someone else; however, that's not the case anymore. She's gone because of me. Me and my problems. I drove her away, and I will have to live with that to my death and beyond.

Sophia, I'm sorry for everything.

This deep feeling of regret festered in my heart. Had caused so much pain and all for nothing. I really knew from the beginning that I wouldn't last much longer. Maybe that's why I did it. . . Why I took Sophia. I saw her as a way to escape my reality and become something new.

Some realities don't last long. You wake up and realize the truth.

This world is broken and I'm just another person that has to live in it. Some things are too broken to be fixed. Am I one of those?

I thought back to all those nights I spent alone. Alone with my thoughts. Oh they were quite a nuisance. I wanted to make myself suffer for the things I had done. To feel something beside emptiness again.

I know it isn't normal but it's all I know. What else is left for me?

The bright sun shone through the broken blinds on the windows. The sun was being drowned out by coming dark. Night would come soon. Such a beautiful day to be in such a dark place. Hm. . . the irony. I looked down at my arms that were lined with blood. I tried not to overdo it. I wasn't ready to die. Not yet and not this way. There was one thing left to do. Then and only then would I be ready.

At the beginning of the cutting I felt such shame and embarrassment after each cut, but now those feelings have faded. It terrified me yet I felt proud. Proud of my "growth".

I sat down at the counter after cleaning my arms. With Sophia's not in hand, I got a piece of paper and a pencil. Where to start?

The letter reads:

Sophia my dear,

You left me a letter as closure for leaving me. Now I will do the same. You may never read this because I doubt you'll come back to this horrid house. I wouldn't want to. You wrote out your feelings to try to understand them. But I know what I feel. I love you Sophia, and you may not feel the same, but the chance you might read this is enough. Just to imagine your face and destroy the root of your trouble is my desire. I knew from the start that I could not have love. I didn't deserve it. So instead of destroying the object of my ultimate desire, I chose to destroy myself. . . . So this is my goodbye. My last words for you. I love you.

~New Perspective~

Damien's face was tear stained as he folded the letter next to Sophia's. His greatest love will die right here and right now. He retrieved a knife he knew all too well . "That seemed like such a long time ago," Damien thought.

He glanced around the room at the mess still there, but hesitating on the kitchen. Specifically the counter where the two letters lay.

"I'm too broken for you," Damien cried.

Tears streamed down his face as blood streamed down his arms. The cuts were deeper this time. More painful. This burning sensation filled Damien's sense. He mmm the pain was unbearable, but he knew all would come to end soon.

Blood soaked the floor as Damien fell to the ground. His head was spinning and it was getting colder. His last thoughts were ok Sophia. The girl who he loved. His ultimate desire.

As the deed was done, a creek could be heard at the door. The same small brown haired girl entered the house. The mess surprised her, and she ventured Ruth in search of Damien. Finally she reached the living room.

"Damien?!"

~Perspective Ends~

[Hey guys! So this chapter is pretty intense. I'm probably going to get a lot of backlash for it, but just wait a see what happens next. . . Also thank you for reading and please leave a like! Bye!]