Take a Walk In My Shoes

What is love?

(...baby don't hurt me..)

Sorry, I had to -Author

I used to think love was some sort of joke, in a way it is I guess. However, it really should be taken seriously, and not handed out like some sort of candy. It is now that I find myself stuck in a comical 'love triangle'. Something I believed only existed in movies and stories written by desperate romantics. With every triangle there is an obvious path, that path for me has a name: Henry. He came into my life not unexpectedly, but unwanted at first. How naïve I was to dismiss the best thing in my life. The other path, the one that lingers in the back of my mind like lyrics to a song I can't forget, is named Theo. My past, my first, and my clingy love. Jesus, this just has to be tough doesn't it?

To give a small insight into how my life has played out since the beginning of this absolutely terrible year, it is similar to that of a roller coaster. Many ups and downs, but more downs than ups. Ok, so basically this year has mostly been a train, but the train started on top of the world then plummeted to the valleys below and has struggled to find a hill high enough to sustain it's occupant's desire to climb. However, you didn't come here looking for dramatic analogies of my life, you came here for my dilemma: Loving two people at once. Lord, this is so fucking childish, I never wanted to be in this predicament. Yet, here I am.

Oh, Theo. You poor soul, you gave me your heart and I abused it. I slowly squeezed every bit of life out of it searching, begging, pleading for what I so desperately wanted you to be, but ultimately knew you'd never be. The pain I so carelessly caused you finally caught up to me and I am devastated, I never wanted to do this to you. You loved me more than I did the entirety of our relationship and I never saw. I was too blinded by the feeling of doubt to see what I was doing to you. You were my first love and believe me when I say a part of me will always love you, but we are not meant to be. You deserve the world and I couldn't be that for you. I know you still think of me often, in situations with other people where some action, some word, some look makes you reminisce on the past. It pains me to say I find myself doing that to, but not as often anymore, and I know you wish my longing would match yours. When I found Henry, I moved on completely, and it tore you apart. Like I was so worried it would. Why didn't you tell me this sooner, before I fell too hard to pick myself back up? Why did you have to make me think you resented me and were more over me than I was of you? When in reality you were still in love and while my new relationship took off, you were sitting in a corner that was slowly getting darker. Find your light, my dear. I only wish for your happiness.

Henry, my love. God, how did I get so lucky to find you? You are everything my heart wished he was and so much more. You complete me in ways I never thought possible for a human being, you taught me it's ok to have bad days as long as you have a person to help take the weight off. You're my rock, my foundation, you pulled my fragile body out of the deepest, darkest spots of my mind. The support is immeasurable compared to what I had before. You don't judge. You accept, you adapt, and you understand. And to think I almost gave you up at the beginning, how stupid of me to assume you weren't meant for me. Only to find out not too soon after you were everything for me, yet I still resisted. I only pushed you away for fear of something I knew was going to happen, but found out too late it had. I didn't know. When I was told specific words and saw certain actions I figured it was all over and I ran to you. How unfortunate that my heart had to be torn apart when I found out those words and actions where only covering up the one thing I didn't want to happen. The things we did together, in agreement, to stir jealousy only created a bigger issue I don't know how to fix. An issue I now know is beyond my repair, and anything I do to help, would only make things worse. You don't like Theo, you don't like how he treated me. However, I see a different side of him, he wasn't the best partner all the time, but he did care. And in his brown eyes, I was his ultimate future, a prize he thought he could cherish for the rest of his life. Until I tore that dream away from him and found my way into your loving arms. I'm not going anywhere baby, don't you worry. He is no longer my issue, our future is the only thing I work towards. You're my forever, and I know I'm yours. We've both seen pain and now we can both reach happiness hand in hand.

Reader, you now see the end of each of my paths, some of you may find pity in Theo. I do as well, however, before the ending you have the journey. My journey with Theo was that of love yes, but lacking support and recognition. I was constantly casted aside and forced to figure out my issues by myself. Not intentionally was I led to depression and found myself pleading with god to help Theo open his eyes to me and to help change his demeanor to something that would fit mine. He was a child, he saw the world in colors, while I tended to focus on the grey areas and build a stronger future for myself and for him. I pushed him to become the best person he was capable and helped him reach heights he never thought he could reach. Yet, I never got the same level of support. And I was left constantly wondering if there was a better person out there for me, or if relationships were automatically supposed to be like that. Theo did love me, he was not a bad person. We didn't fit together, we won't fit together. I still love him, just not like before, not like he loves me.

Henry is the opposite. Henry has a life put together, he is responsible and has a sense of respect for others. Something Theo tended to lack, due to his strong grasp to keep his childhood present in his adult ventures. Henry looks towards the future with resilience and tactfulness. We clicked almost instantly, the minute our eyes locked in I could see him clearly. He fit into my life that I have had planned and set in place for years like a puzzle piece. My goals were not changed by his presence. Some of my life goals matched his and it would be so simple to continue along my current path with him by my side. Where, with Theo, I would have had to change course about a thousand times just to keep walking alongside him.

Now, my dear reader, do you see my side? I am still a part of this 'triangle', but I already know how my story is going to end. However, I won't drop Theo off a cliff. I still care for him and I want him to be happy wherever he goes in life. Henry, however, I am content with and will love with everything I have until the day I die. I never thought I would be so torn, yet not torn, between two people. It's like I have two hearts: one that's shattered and filled with guilt and one that's whole and radiating love. It's situations like this where one should never play with love. The word can mean nothing to you and yet mean the world to another. Think carefully about how you use the word, it could mean the heartbreak of another. 

So, now you know I'm a heartbreaker but also tragically in love.