Pung-aw

This is the story I promised for another day. Please stop here if you are not in the mood for a story, you don't have the time for a story, or you don't want to read another one of my stories. I'm not obliging anyone to read, I just ask that once you start reading, you finish it 'til the end.

If you are here still, I guess... Hello?

In October 2017, I wrote: All I know is his name and the familiarity of the feeling of being with him.

How I wish that still rings true until now. I barely even remember that one fateful summer evening, having the dream I had when I was fifteen. It all started there. In dreams, we met. In dreams, he held me. And in dreams, we said goodbye. If only I did not write about those dreams a year later, desperate to preserve fragile and vivid memories, maybe I have already forgotten them completely. Maybe I am not as hung up as I am now. Maybe I turn in bed with the sole reason of getting a peaceful sleep and nothing else. And maybe, there's nothing more to write because there wasn't anything to remember.

I remember, but I also don't.

Pung-aw. In Bicol parlance, it means "yearning"' Pung-aw ako saimo. "I am deeply longing for you."

Pung-aw ako sa sarong solterong namidbidan ko sa sakuya sanang pangiturog. "I am longing for a guy, whom I only met in my dreams."

Our first encounter was sudden. It was like a normal dream, except that I knew his name and I somehow felt I knew him. I called out his name once. And then twice. As the dream was coming to an end, I saw him reaching out for me but I was gone. Back in my reality, I sat up on my bed and felt tears trickling gently down my face.

The second time we met, he was pleading. While I was cruelly telling him to let me go. However, deep down in my heart I wanted to stay.

The succeeding dreams were surprisingly blissful. And believe it or not, I fell in love. Fate does have a funny way of bringing people together. And as people are brought together, especially in an unorthodox destiny such as ours, people are also sure to be torn apart.

The second dream before the last, I was ready to tell him I love him. I found him waiting for me, eyes glistening with tears. He apologized over and over. He said sorry for being selfish. And his final words were, "Goodbye."

And the last dream about him happened. He stood there, I ran to him. I hugged him tightly as if I knew that it would be the last. I faintly remember his arms on my back. I remember my face buried on his chest; his heartbeat, his warmth, and his chin on my head. I savored the moment. Then let go. I called out his name then said goodbye.

Year after year, I write something like this. As my memory of him fades, my hope of ever meeting him again diminishes. Sometimes, I scold myself because I promised that I will never forget about him and I am starting to. There is always this invisible force of longing clinging to my heart. I can't shake it. I can't get rid of it. At times when I wake and I reach for it and find it ever-present, I am confused as to why it is there. And when I am reminded of why I break into tears.

Half of the things I wrote here wouldn't have been written now without the e-journal entries I wrote 3 years ago. Three years ago, I was longing for him, longing for the moments we had in my dreams. Two years I go, I was desperately looking for signs to make me remember. A year ago, I hastily dug out my old journals, both handwritten and electronic, and read them overnight to make me remember. And now, I am writing this. I have no idea if it is some sort of twisted wish to finally make me forget or this is my way of whispering in the wind that I am still waiting.

Taki, with great conviction, thought, "The powerful, fleeting resolution feels as though I'm picking a fight with the gods. Very soon, I'll forget even the fact that I've forgotten something."But we never did forget, did we not Taki? And you got to meet Mitsuha again. Kimi no nawa. awakened the hope in me and I am yet still to decide whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.

One thing is for sure, napupung-aw ako.

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Note: I would truly appreciate it po if you leave comments. Also, if there are grammatical errors and punctuation errors please don't hesitate to let me know :> Also, Taki and Mitsuha are character references from Kimi no nawa. They are not owned by me, they are owned by Makoto Shinkai.