LUV IN THE REZ

I

This story contains possibly a lot of triggers, read on at your own risk. 

What is love? Life? pain? 

and why do we have it?

will I ever get over it?

the healing process.

I've healed.

Love, what is love? 

Is it showing love to your significant other 24/7 seven days a week for the rest of your lives as long as your together? is it remembering every hurt they've done to you? and still being able to somehow love them for them even though they might be pieces of shit just like you? 

I thought love would be something like those Wattpad romance stories, where you get the girl or boy, you run away, settle down, have kids, and just live happily. But I'm not 12 years old anymore, the love I felt was getting excited to feel the warmth of that person, their lips against mine, their sweet voice echoing in my mind for hours, that sweet laugh that made my heart flutter. Those sweet nothings that would make my whole day, until, until you get more serious.

The taunting words echoing in your head, feeling cold when you were once feeling warm, that laugh making your stomach flutter, not cause you're so in love, but because you're not arguing, or getting mad at each other instead you're laughing together. Remembering that one day, where you thought it was going to be a good day, a day to have a couple of drinks with some friends.  Have fun, normal teen stuff, sat by the river, feeling the warmth from the fire which you and your friends made. Passing around a pint of your town's finest, talking about what's been grinding your gears, laughing and hyping up your girls. Three girls with two boys and one just so happen to be your boy, your love, your everything, the one you'd do anything for, and do everything for. The other two would be your girl best friends, the ones you grew up with since headstart, the ones you've gone through everything with, and living on the reservation, there is a lot of things to go with you through. The boys go up the hill from your little fire and into the little town you all call your home, you love it even though it has its faults. You grew there, aside from the drunken mothers and fathers, children and elders. Aside from the fights and violence, those are your people. Your home. It truly can be a beautiful place. They go, half drunk and ready to get more, all while you stay with one of your best friends who you took as a sister, you spent your whole life with, did everything from trick or treating to sleeping in the same bed and protecting them from their disgusting dad, giving them everything that you could. It just so happens you have a dream about her and your love cheating on you, together. You confront her and she promises you that nothing would ever happen like that because she loves you so much. 

As the night grows near, the boys have been gone for hours and the buzz has lifted, you just want to go home and cuddle up next to your love. Curfew has been declared and you're in trouble if you get caught by the police, so you start running up to your buddy's place with your best friend hoping to find your love and the other there. And you do, anger fills you as you had to walk back up from the forest in the dark, getting cut up and chased by wild dogs, with your friend. The boys are drunk, and looking for a fight, your love just vented to the other boy about your relationship. The other boy starts attacking you as you try to get your love to come home with you as you don't want to continue drinking. But they just take each other's side, and attack you, while your friend watches. You walk away through an alleyway as your love walks through the street. 

walking alone, in the dark, nearly buzzed, and crying. That hard lump in your heart as you just realized you are alone, and in pain and you can't do anything about it. As you walk, the gravel swishes under your shoes, as the salty tears fall from your brown eyes, ruining your eyelashes which you just bought, a good thing you wore black waterproof eyeliner, too bad the mascara wasn't waterproof. As you walk and dwell on what just happened, the feeling of anger and betrayal soon turned to fear as the wild dogs began to roar at you, edging themselves closer. You scream but since it's a town, a sad town, nobody interferes to rescue you. You somehow scare them off and continue in the back roads, avoiding police as you are already at risk of being caught. You forget that the pitbull and Rottie behind your house have a reputation for attacking people behind your house, you hear them growling and getting closer. Their paws are rustling near your feet as they nip at your ankles eventually breaking the skin.

Good people

A good woman yelled at the dogs to leave you alone, and they do, crying and more distraught you walk home and cry, your grandma sees how much pain your feeling and leaves you be as she doesn't know how to help or ease your pain. 

As you begin to calm down, you hope your love returns and everything will be okay, you hope and pray everything will be okay. 

Your dad comes home, drunk, and looking for a fight, he drops the water bottle and starts messing up, then stabs you with the metal pole for the mop, yelling in rage for you to clean up his mess. Distraught once again you comply as you are terrified of it happening again. Once finished you slowly go downstairs to cry and comprehend the whole night.

Curled up into a little ball, underneath the covers, crying your eyes out, hoping everything will be fine, hoping you will be okay. Turns out you never let your love go out, but you do, they just don't want to go out, you don't let them by other dudes, but you do, they just don't want to be. Turns out everything you thought was right was completely wrong, turns out everything you are supposed to do as a non-toxic girlfriend is never good, instead it's the complete opposite. was it your fault your father made a mess? was it your fault you got into an argument with your friends and family? Was it your fault you got attacked by dogs? 

Fallen asleep with nothing but complete dread, you don't feel good.

Wake up to your father begging you to bring him to a friend as he too is scared of dogs, which just so happens to be beside the house you left your love at. You check if he's there but he isn't just your other best friend and the guy who attacked you for not being toxic. You leave with your father as he changed his mind, you go home and hope to sleep, instead of sleeping on your bed. you sleep on the couch, awakened by a knock on your door. It's the boy who fought you last night, with a puppy, but your love is nowhere near. He gives you the puppy, still drunk, you only take the little brown curly-haired pup and go inside your home leaving him. 

This puppy is so cute, he has little brown curls, he looks like a little Rottie but he certainly has a little reservation mutt in him. His huge brown eyes staring into yours, you lay him down on the couch as you go to retrieve some stuff and food for him. He cries for you to be by his side, and this is why I love him so much. He cries and cries for you to be by him, so you have to take him everywhere you go, even the washroom. You lay down in hopes to sleep, and you do but you hear a knock at the door and answer it, it's twelve in the afternoon and your love is standing there, with a smile. You'd think it would be a sincere happy one too, only it is complete concern and regret.

Why did I deserve this?