Rose Coloured Glasses

Part 1

My eyes rim with thick tears as I stare up at the mirror. It's stained with tiny water droplets and edged with an antique frame. I can't help but lock eyes with my reflection, if I could even call it that. I become more unfamiliar and detached to the person who stares back at me.

They say the human body is precious. That inside each of us there is an eternal soul which is embedded deep within each and every one of us. Although, I seemed more like an empty vessel these days.

My gaze remains put on my lifeless companion which I'm compelled to call my reflection. The more I stare the more the cracks start to appear.

I'm too fat...

Why is my face like this...

If only I was good enough...

The plague of thoughts attack at every section of my brain. My mind seemed to be possessed, like I was commanded to attack myself. Not that I was able to put up much of a fight anymore.

Finally after much effort I force myself to look away. It becomes torture after a while; forcing myself to look at what I had become.

My eyes avert down to my pale arm, the thin sheet of skin revealing the track of green veins which skim across up to my thick; numb wrist.

It's all too tempting and before I realize my shaky fingers reach to the cupboard. I tip toe up and frantically search at my usual spot. Under the bar of peach and passion fruit soap, my fingers making contact with the carefully wrapped blade.

My eyes widen as I unwrap it, like an eager child with a candy bar. The paper is dismissed onto the sink and with one swift movement I make contact with my arm.

The blade taunts me in a way, my face mirrored onto the silver shine of the blade only this time; blurred. I preferred it that way.

I dig it into my arm while biting down onto my plump lip. My eyes squint as I try to hold the tears which threaten to fall. Then, with a sudden breath I swipe.

Over and over and over again. Just one more turns into two. Two morphs into 4. My arm now splashed crimson, the blood smeared with the violent pierces produced by the blade.

I dig the razor hard against my skin, the silver concealed with a deep glean of red. Suddenly I let out a gasp; "Lena, how much longer are you going to take!" Immeadiently i take a step back from the destruction. The blade falls from my unsteady clutches and drops to the sink with a brief clatter.

Only now did I realize how loud my breathing had gotten as I clear my throat.

"Give me 5 more minuites". Somehow I muster the will to give a response, my voice hoarse from the silent cries.

I madly shake my head as a trickle of blood runs down my arm; the dewy ball of blood splashing into the pristine sink bowl.

My hand grips onto the tap and I twist the stiff handle. An audible groan escapes my lips as the water refuses to run. It usually takes a few times with this tap. Infact, that was pretty much the case with everything in this house. One thing or another was always breaking or faulty.

Eventually the tap runs with a steady, cool stream of water. My first instinct is to splash my face over with the water. The cold droplets scatter onto my hot, tear blotches cheeks as I attempt to make myself appear more human and a tad less feral.

As for my arm... I use the water to clean as much I could. My face scrunches almost instantly as I wince at the contact on my fresh wounds. My scarlet liquid mixes with the pure aqua and eventually swirls into the plughole once entwined.

Next I reach for the first aid kit my auntie keeps in the cubaord. The loose door creaks open as I rummage through the box for the bundle of bandages. I'm careful while wrapping my arm, noticing the faint white ghostly lines of past scars; the fresh wounds lined directly below. I take a brief moment to trace my finger across the fading scar before quickly concealing my arm with the bandage.

I find my hoodie draped over the radiator and quickly slip it over myself. The baggy material hiding any sighn of a figure as I'm practically engulfed by it. It was better that way.

I was hidden. Hidden, meaning I was safe. Safe from the judgmental stares and people misunderstanding me. Like this I was normal, regular, average. I plan on keeping it that way for as long as humanly possible.

I roll the sleeves down, the excess sleeve bundled at my thumbs. Hidden... This was safe. A part of me feels relief as I'm covered, no longer made to analyse every crack I had created on my body. Like this I could handle it, pretend like everything was okay.

So with that I slip on my rose coloured glasses and leave the bathroom.

The glasses I had formed with my mind tint everything. They make everything okay. No matter how awful I feel I'll smile through it all. The roses bloom, yet rooted from a deep darkness I'll keep buried in me forever...

Okay so I am back. It feels so weird coming back and writing this all over again but I love it. I hope you will all bear with me and enjoy. I wrote this originally at a dark time of my life and I hope this gives many of you something to relate too. Please stay tuned for future updates, I will appreciate it massively.

Also, if you are going through self harm, or depression or just a period of sadness please reach out to people. Talk to someone, you never have to go through it alone. X

But yeah please vote and comment. Tell me honestly what you all think. Would love to know.