State of Serenity

Prolouge

Why do it?

I know there was a reason but I can barely remember what I had for dinner yesterday.

I look at my cuts and I don't really feel any sadness or ashamed of them.

I cut my self and I don't know I feel... I don't know I feel numb and that feels good I guess.

Everything just calms down my heart, my brain slows down, everything is just calm it's like being in a silent forest at night watching the stars.

Everything just kinda becomes easier to remember and it's easier to think in a way.

I know it's wrong.

When I think of getting caught doing this, I get scared but a bit excited, my heart speeds up and then, well I want to cut again I know it's kinda backwards I guess but like I said before it calms me down.

I don't think anyone would really really care though but they might be disgusted by me.

Now that I think about it,
It may be to punish myself in a way for just existing being an asshole, being too scared to talk to her own dad for no reason at all, being to scared to ask for things or talk to people but who knows my brains kinda jumbled it's not really making any sense at the moment.

I could stop this at anytime, well that's what I want my self to think. My brain just seems to go right back to cutting it's like how I am when I smoke weed I just always want to feel that feeling it gives me again.

I liked it,

I liked it a lot.