Here again, On my couch...watching horror on my TV when all of a sudden, I get an idea...what if I bleed like they do?
I grab a knife but...no, That's too risky. I have let my fingernails grow over the past month. I dig into my skin with my nail.
"Fuck!", I say to myself. That's too painful. I look up to the bathroom mirror and see my face. I caress my long hair and smile. Fish-hooking it is. I grab my inner cheeks and tear through them with my nails then close my eyes. I feel no pain. I shout in joy then spit upwards and feel something hot hit my face. I open my eyes to see a crimson mask. A disturbing as I smile in pleasure looking like a serial killer covered in his victim's blood. I remember my troubled childhood and how I grew to love violence and pain. That longing for punishment. For what? I don't know. But I was taught that I need to be punished. Maybe it's because I grew into a 25 year old 9 to fiver, Maybe it's because I can't hold a relationship for longer than six months or maybe because I'm gonna be kicked out for not paying rent. Whatever...I just...I want pain. I need pain. I need it...I scream, I cry...I laugh...
Suddenly, I open my eyes and stare at the TV screen. It was all my imagination. I light a cigarette and take a long deep drag as my eyes tear up. I'm too much of a coward to even bleed. Maybe tomorrow...maybe tomorrow I will act based on how I feel.
