life may not be fair but it sure is beautiful

Accepting one's self

Jiwoo's eyes skimmed through the worn-out parchment for the millionth time since she opened the letter. Drinking every word in, trying to make sense out of the reality those statements set out for her, Jiwoo felt like she couldn't breathe. Her entire world was being thrown off its axis by a few words written on a page.

Her internal struggle could last an entire lifetime, she figured during the only calm moment in her breakdown a day ago. It wasn't guaranteed that Jungeun would come back, there was no safe bet. She could feel herself on the edge of her own mind, looking down at an abyss of chaos, hesitating to hold onto sanity. Those words were too much to take in.

Were they really? That was the question she would try to answer next. If she put the fact that she had been lied to for eleven years, did this really change her emotions in any way? When she pictured her life with Jungie, did her mind even took their genders into account? When she thought of Jungeun, a lot of things came to her mind; their shared memories, their awkward years growing up, her smirk, her pouting face, concentrated expression on her face when they dueled, the softness of her lips when they meet with hers, the sound of her breath when there was nothing else to hear...

When she actually thought about them, gender wasn't even in her mind. She didn't question it before, she fell in love with a person after all. But knowing that the other was a girl all along was different. Way too different.

At first, she didn't believe it. How could she? It was almost like learning that sky wasn't blue. She didn't think about the possibility of Jungeun not being a man as she didn't think of the sky as any other color.

Spiraling in her mind once again, Jiwoo folded the letter in half. Going through the folding line with her nails soothed her, she almost felt like she could stop the letter from existing. She folded it once more. And once more. And once more. Until there was no way of folding it anymore. Releasing the breath she didn't realize she held in, she began to unfold it. Each layer took its own toll on her.

The seventh layer meant acceptance of reality. When she smoothed out that layer, she came to an agreement with the content of that letter being true, not some horrible joke her guard decided to expose her to.

The sixth layer meant consequences. The paper unfolded as she realized the outcomes of those words. What exactly changed due to Jungeun becoming a girl? No, that wasn't right. Jungeun, apparently was always a girl, so the real question was, what changed in their relationship now that Jiwoo knew? She couldn't think of an absolute answer to that.

The fifth layer was more complicated. The paper that kept getting bigger slowly questioned her being. Who was Jiwoo? How did the ink that turned into confessions on that paper affected her existence, her reality? She didn't know that either.

The fourth layer was one that was full of disappointment. The feeling she couldn't shake off was a betrayal. Everything aside, Jungeun, she trusted everything with lied to her face since the beginning about a fundamental part of her. But then again, was her gender really that important when it came to the bond that formed between them?

The third layer was the hard truth that struck her in the face. Even when she felt furious towards Jungeun, wrecking everything in her path at that moment to get her anger out, she knew deep down inside her emotions towards her never even wavered. She still felt giddy whenever she thought of Jungeun's smile or numb when her soft breath came to her mind, the memory of her eyes flickering to her parted lips as they shared a meaningful silence.

The second layer was once again acceptance. Acceptance of the reality that she couldn't change. Acceptance of the person she loved and couldn't change. Acceptance of the cruel fate that tied their fingers together with red strings only to place an impossible knot in between.