I WANTED TO WRITE SOMETHING FUNNY OKAY AND ALSO I HATE BOTH OF THEM AND THIS WAS GOOD FOR MY ANGER FOR SOME REASON. Disclaimer: I've literally never written fan fiction in my life before this Also: I'm sorry. Also Also: I think I'm going to hell for this Also: I read this to my grandma and that's how I learned what salacious means so at least this book caused me to learn something... right?