BreakingMySilence
It all started in 8th grade for a 'graduation' party the school was having before we all went into highschool. I was getting ready, and my mom had made hot dogs. I had a couple, noticed my stomach bulging, and have recently learned in health class about bulimia. I thought I would give it a try. My stomach flattened again, and I once again felt confident to wear the dress I had bought weeks ago for this very special occasion.
9 years later, and I have just eaten entire newly restocked pantry. I had just recently restocked it because last week I did the same thing. My stomach is flat besides the fact I downed a tub of ice cream, 2 bags of chips, and a ton of bread with butter and cinnamon sugar. I am at my lowest weight. And my fiancé knows what I do. He's been trying to help me through it for the past month, though I lie to him and deceive him all the time and tell him I'm getting better because I'm too ashamed to tell him the truth. That this is the lowest I have ever been. Mentally and physically. (I am currently at a BMI of exactly 17).
Not only is it destroying our relationship, but it is destroying me. My days are filled with constant anxiety, guilt, and disgust. I go to bed everyday with a half-assed promise to myself that tomorrow will be the start of my recovery, and I wake up the next day feeling guilty about the day before and decide that the NEXT day I will start because I feel too bad to start. I am depressed. And I am hurting myself and the one person that I love more than anything.
I don't know if anyone is going to read this. I've always had trouble of reaching out for help from friends and family, but I always want to talk. I can just never get the words out. I am too ashamed and scared to. This is why I don't think therapy would work for me. But this might. I will log my days here. I will log what I eat, and how I feel after or before or while I am eating. I will log how I'm feeling here. I will log my journey here.