My name is Simon, and I have a simple 3-step plan for life: 1. Stay hydrated by drinking liquids other than coffee (and blood). 2. Stay alive as long as possible. 3. Die of natural causes (ideally happily without pain in a very comfy bed). But the universe has other plans. Between billionaires offering me Bentleys, "Chosen Ones" using me as a human shield, and a literal vampire hierarchy that seems to think I'm a gourmet snack, my hobo-core lifestyle is under siege. I neither have superpowers nor a tragic backstory (unless you count my bank balance). All I have is a frying pan, a high-limit credit card that isn't mine, and a level of apathy so thick it might actually be a physical barrier. Welcome to my life. I'm just an NPC, and I'm really, really trying not to die in the prologue.