They're worlds apart, and this isn't high school, so how the hell did a homeless female writer end up renting a billionaire's mansion? And - hold your breath - becoming his fake girlfriend? ➳ full blurb inside ➳ first reached #1 in humor on july 6, 2015 ➳ first reached #1 in business on august 29, 2023 ➳ winner of best humor book in the fiction awards 2016 ➳ featured by cadbury (marvellous creations) and secret lives of the americans (pivot) P.S. This is a SATIRICAL BILDUNGSROMAN. Proceed with caution. (cover by @glueeater)

Emma van der Bilt is clever, snarky, and spoiled rotten. William Knight is cocky, impatient, and slightly dimwitted. So how exactly did Will manage to kidnap Emma and her best friend twice and live to talk about it? *** "What the hell-" I screeched. "Good morning, sunshine." I looked up in alarm and saw the smirking face of my kidnapper. His face would have made me a lot angrier had it not been terribly swollen, thanks to yours truly. "I'd say good morning, but judging by the boner on your face, I'd say you weren't having such a good morning." His self-satisfied smirk fell almost instantly, and his partner-in-crime laughed out loud from the driver's seat. "Actually," he said, "I'm having a pretty good morning. My luck's about to change. You wanna know why?" I didn't answer. "I'll tell you why. I've successfully kidnapped the daughter of one of the richest men in the country." "Don't start counting your lucky stars just yet. This isn't over yet," I snapped. "Isn't it?" he asked, raising the eyebrow above his good eye. His other one remained in a permanent squint, and it made it kind of hard to take him seriously. "I'm not the one who's naked and tied up in a stranger's back seat." I glanced down at myself and noticed for the first time that I was in my bra and panties. Honestly, I was kind of relieved. When he'd said "naked," I'd assumed he meant birthday-suit naked, not half-naked. *** Warning: Rated PG-13 for sexual content and language. Mostly language. I have a colorful vocabulary.

Hannah Taylors finally gives in to her desperation and does one of the stupidest things a girl can do to grab her unapproachable long-time crush Jonah Gibbs' attention: spill soda on his white shirt and leave a motherfrigging red blotch on it. Accidentally... on purpose.

"Kiss me." He orders, slamming my locker shut. "Is she coming?" I ask, turning my head to look behind me, but he grabs my face and makes me look up at him. "Yes, now kiss me." I do as told, getting on my tippy toes as I lean up to kiss him. He kisses me back slowly, before he pins me against the lockers and deepens the kiss. My eyes widen and I try to push him away. This isn't part of the deal. He pulls away, a full on smirk plastered on his face. "I lied." He confesses, turning around. "She wasn't coming." Then, he walks away.

Derek Knight has always been Kingsbury's bad boy. But when he's arrested his freshman year of high school, for the murder of Thomas Harding, his reputation goes from bad to worse. After a short three year incarceration in juvenile detention, Derek returns to Kingsbury High to finish his senior year. He's feared by everyone and afraid of no one. When Arabella Masterson, a quiet girl who prefers to blend in, is assigned to tutor Derek for the rest of the school year, Derek finds his hard shell slowly beginning to crack. When Derek brings a little spice to Arabella's world, she finds herself craving more. With issues from Derek's past and his bad boy reputation always getting in the way, can Derek and Arabella somehow fight through it all, or is the relationship they worked to build a means to an end? (This is an updated description for the book edit)

Henley agrees to pretend to date millionaire Bennett Calloway for a fee, falling in love as she wonders - how is he involved in her brother's false conviction? ****** Henley Linden's brother is in jail for a crime he didn't commit, and she'll take any job to raise the money needed to free him. Soon, she's agreed to pretend to date millionaire Bennett Calloway for ten thousand dollars, so his mother will ease up the pressure on him to find a wife. But once Henley is enmeshed in Bennett's world, he falls for her, and she starts to have feelings for him as well. Despite her romance with Bennett, as she grows closer to the Calloways, Henley realizes they are somehow involved in her brother's conviction. Journeying deeper into a world of wealth and conspiracies, Henley is forced to rely on Bennett, though doing so could cost her everything. [[word count: 200,000-250,000 words]]