The smartest children never remain in Johnson City Middle School. Why? It's not because they drop out, get removed, or can't deal with the educational modules. It's because the teachers do not allow smart kids. The Rules: 1: No asking questions. Just do as we say. 2: Never state your opinion. It doesn't matter. 3: Don't read anything outside of this school. 4: Never deny a teacher's request. 5: Never tell us no. 6: Respect us. 7: No cellphones, laptops, computer usage. 8: No cursing. Punishments Disrespect: Gets hit. 5 strikes/atonement Liars: Tongues grated Stealing: Left hand chopped off Speaking your mind or out to a teacher: Mouth sewed Caught outside of class without a pass or good reason: Feet are burned by fire Caught with cellphone: Acid poured into ears

They're worlds apart, and this isn't high school, so how the hell did a homeless female writer end up renting a billionaire's mansion? And - hold your breath - becoming his fake girlfriend? ➳ full blurb inside ➳ first reached #1 in humor on july 6, 2015 ➳ first reached #1 in business on august 29, 2023 ➳ winner of best humor book in the fiction awards 2016 ➳ featured by cadbury (marvellous creations) and secret lives of the americans (pivot) P.S. This is a SATIRICAL BILDUNGSROMAN. Proceed with caution. (cover by @glueeater)