Growing up in white-bread Omaha, Nebraska, Rachel Shukert was one of thirty-seven students (circa 1990) in Nebraska’s only Jewish elementary school. She spent her days dreaming of a fantasy Aryan boyfriend named Chris McPresbyterian, a tall blond god whose family spoke softly in public and did not inquire after his bowel movements. She spent her nights frantically plastering her bedroom with pictures of intimidating co-religionists such as Henry Kissinger and Bette Midler, hoping to repel the Gestapo officers she was certain were lurking behind the drywall. Even back then, Rachel knew she was destined for greatness. After winning the Omaha Metropolitan Area Theater Arts Guild Award for Best Youth Actress–and imagining herself as the biggest talent to come out of Nebraska since Montgomery Clift–Rachel finally arrives in Manhattan. Intent on making her mark in the glittering world of Show Biz, she isthwarted at every turn by episodes of anorexia, verbally abusive sock puppets, and a certain terrorist attack you may have heard of. She nevertheless soldiers on, as her people have done from time immemorial. In this hilarious, mordant, and moving memoir, Rachel Shukert tackles topics as diverse and weighty as life, death, love, Jewish paranoia, and errant feminine hygiene products with a fresh and irresistible mixture of humor, brains, and candor, proving that having no shame can sometimes be a very good thing indeed.

I was awakened by a buzz, but I don't want to get up, instead I lay still on my bed and about to dream again when I heard a THUD, I flinched at the sound. It's Saturday so I'm not expecting anyone at this early in the morning. I'm not a morning person, I am now annoyed to whoever it is. "Coming!" I yelled and started walking which took me sometime because I literally took my time, don't blame me I'm still sleepy, I opened the door to see a very beautiful woman, she has long wavy hair, thick eyelashes and pink pout lips and lastly... a body to die for. I frowned when I realized a high-school student? I can say because she's wearing a uniform. What is a beautiful high-school girl doing here knocking at my door? I asked mentally. I was about to ask her when she suddenly slipped inside my condo and sit on the couch cozily, I crossed my arms and face her still frowning. "Miss what are you doing here? What do you need?" I asked her curiously. She looked at me and smiled, a smile that can make men drool, but I'm not because I'm still annoyed. "I am your girlfriend" she said sweetly, my eyes widened in shock, I know I'm drunk last night but I don't remember having a girlfriend. I was about to say something when she stood up and face me leaning so much closer that were inches apart. "You wished for me, last night on the internet" oh crap! Now I remember! I was browsing the net when a certain ad captures my attention. "But I wished for a BOYFRIEND! Not a Girlfriend!!?" How do you handle a situation where there's NO REFUND and NO EXCHANGE? Copyright © 2014-2022. Manila, Philippines. All rights reserved.