"Anna dislikes being stuck three-quarters of the way down a chimney. She really does. Not to mention, she's still going round North America, and there's, like, three continents still to get through in about as many hours."

Voted "Most Likely to Join the Circus" consecutively by Killian High's past three 2009-2011 published yearbooks, and as said by practically every person in the entire school, Derek Wells is the school's ultimate class clown. Seriously, if you're ever in need of a good laugh just go to him and he'll have you clapping your hands and shaking with quiet laughter like some dumb seal. The biggest joke of all to him was love. What was that? It was just some mushy, four-letter word that somehow could make a girl either swoon or cry or slap you in the face depending on the circumstances. So when Derek puts on his newly-acquired glasses for the first time in school, he doesn't expect to see Gwen, one of his closest friends, in a completely different light. Suddenly when she smiles, it feels as if something is crawling around in his stomach and he isn't sure if it's the suspicious crab he had for dinner the night before or gas. When Derek confesses his feelings to her, of course she's going to take it as one big joke. It seems that "the funniest kid in the school" can't say those three words without having someone wait expectantly for the punch line. Will Derek prove to Gwen that he can be serious when he needs to be? Or will she just wind up laughing in his face?

"As I sat on the toilet, I realized how badass I was being. First of all, I (kind of) broke into Walmart; Second, I was (kind of) plotting to steal toilet paper; and third, I was doing all this while a hurricane was brewing outside." Ellie wanted a quick trip to Walmart to buy some toilet paper for her mom. A minute in, a minute out. Instead, she got locked in. With her secret love, of course.

[BEING REVISED/COMPLETED] REVISED 16TH EDITION: A comprehensive recollection of all the things hazardous in the Phlegmatic and Neurotic Sapphire Mazes life, currently: 1) An unending loathing of all teenage-kind, despite being one herself. 2) The irresponsible but often (questionably) well-meaning older sister. 3 )A persnickety mother with almost functionable obsessive compulsive disorder. 4) The ghost of Frank Sinatra is actually haunting her. No joke. And he won't stop playing his own songs. 5) Her family's penchant for death. 6) A bad personal history with mental illness (re: neurotic). 7) Words that she cannot say and fears she cannot express. And yet, as if these things aren't harming enough, life forgos the lemons and throws watermelons by letting her come into acquaintance with the tactlessly sarcastic Tristan Mitchell; a boy of which who brings along with over-the-top gingers and eight-year-old philosophers that all put roadblocks in Sapphire's self-inflicted solitude, forcing her to feel a lot more feelings than she's comfortable with. (Featuring but not limited to: the ghost of Frank Sinatra, fajitas, dead people, demon claws, fiends, the ghost of Frank Sinatra, some lesbians, more than one redhead, a white person(s), Jesus Christ, fourth-wall breaks, an [annoyingly] conscious narrator, the ghost of Frank Sinatra, and more!)