BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC by WhatMurdah "In my humble opinion there's only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic." And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three. When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt's controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other-their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press. Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione's attention and pines for a real marriage with her-even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco's blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body. (With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson's career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione's Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco's right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.) NOTE: this is not my work i just know people like reading it here better than ao3

Hermione is familiar with fighting: for respect, for attention, for justice. She's even made a career of it; working on behalf of creatures and beings. But her battle against the Ministry's marriage law is one she loses. Badly. And now, she has to contend with not only public derision and patriarchal politics, but her growing feelings for her government-mandated spouse.

Hermione straddles the Muggle and Magical worlds as a medical researcher and Healer about to make a big discovery. Draco is an Auror assigned to protect her from forces unknown - to both of their displeasure. Features hyper-competent, fiery Hermione and lazy, yet dangerous, Draco. Slow burn. - Please note that I am not the original author of this story, @isthisselfcare is. That being said, I am only reposting this story on Wattpad, as some people dislike reading it on it's original platform AO3. All credits go to J.K. Rowling for writing the Harry Potter series, and @isthisselfcare for writing this fanfiction based off the characters in said series. Covert art: @da.a_art on Instagram Original link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34500952

Draco Malfoy's history of poor decision-making continues after the war, when he returns to Hogwarts under strict probation. Bored and restless, he decides to cast the infamous Vanishing Cabinet spell to link his bed with the bed of a willing witch. But something goes horribly wrong, and instead of the buzzy flirt Draco's been secretly meeting, his bed keeps delivering an extremely unamused Hermione Granger. So begins Draco's travesty of an "Eighth Year," where nothing goes to plan and good deeds NEVER pay. His mother owls him daily prophecies of doom, a rabid she-weasel stalks him through the castle, and his mad roommate from Durmstrang plots to avenge the Dark Lord. Each day Draco struggles with his worst nature and often loses. Every night brings Granger back again, wreaking havoc with his body and mind. Draco is convinced he's headed straight back to Azkaban and he's almost looking forward to the trip. COMPLETE! (Illustration by K Writes Dramione)

She wanders across him one night, not realizing that their chance encounter in a Hogwarts corridor will save both of their lives. A post-war Dramione fic about healing, friendship, second chances, and love. [Now complete!] [cover is the wonderful upthehillart who you should DEFINITELY follow on tumblr/insta because her HP art is everything]

Left by his fiancée a month before the ceremony, Draco never got his dream wedding, so agreeing to assist Granger with her own wedding planning to distract himself from his broken engagement seems like a great idea-though Draco probably shouldn't fall in love with the bride-to-be. Based very (very) loosely on The Wedding Singer.

When everything is going wrong; he's there. Lurking in the shadows. Helping her.

The adverse effects of unknowingly imbibing Babbling Beverage while intoxicated include the urge to chatter incessantly, dizziness, short-term memory loss, and spilling your secrets to a fake version of Draco Malfoy.

Granger, Granger, Granger, Granger. In an unending echo of utter embarrassment. The presentation parameters were between five and ten minutes. Draco's clocked in at seven minutes and twenty-four seconds. It would have been less mortifying for him to lay on the floor for that amount of time and make dying whale noises.

The War is won, and Hermione Granger is back at Hogwarts as an Eighth Year, feeling reckless and determined to shed her prim bookworm persona. Also returning is Draco Malfoy, universally hated but determined to restore his family's name. Hermione's hopes for a quiet school year are quickly dashed as she contends with mischievous First Years, killer plants, enchanted hair accessories, a totally inappropriate Moaning Myrtle, renegade Death Eaters, a nice vampire, a poorly named study group, a depraved party, and mysterious, threatening blood messages on the castle walls. We have redemption, partial redemption and (sadly or hilariously) no redemption at all. Throw in a snarky, disturbingly attractive Draco with his own secret agenda, and we have a very slow-burn Dramione with a side of who-dun-it. COMPLETE!