YOU CAN'T STEAL MY LOVE FROM ME

PERSONAL ASSISTANT NEEDED. People skills optional. Ability to take drink orders preferred. Personal mode of transport a MUST. To Reply, Contact Dr. M's home office: 1-555-TRBLE-4-U (Idiots and those prone to knock-knock jokes need not apply.) ◎ ◎ ◎ Nobody in their right mind would respond to a help wanted listing so vague. Enter, Robin Banks. The wacky exploits of a narcoleptic super villain and his reluctant sidekick. [COMPLETED FIRST DRAFT - #22 in Humor on 4/12/15]

While on his computer, Victor Hastings admires the provocative pictures of girls he's dating. Meanwhile, these girls are posting more and more on Facebook and all the social sites. Now, all the young men in his cramped fraternity are competing for the attention of these online, amateur pinups. And the institution of the college fraternity itself is beginning to be threatened by this emerging, online phenomenon that, in the fall of 2007, has yet to be identified as "Social Media." Three women will make an impact on Victor. Erin Masters is an alluring yet naïve co-ed. Despite outward modesty, she has no reservations about letting friends plaster her provocative images across various social websites. Emily Green-Portsmith comes from wealth and is comparatively more aware of her effect on young men, both on and offline. Technological reliance, however, does not sit well with the house mother of these fraternity boys. She is affectionately known as Ma Red. This feisty, former Vietnam correspondent from the old-school of etiquette and discipline is prepared to make a fight for her traditional values. And throughout these technological and romantic discoveries, Victor wonders: What kind of love is this? ... the wired kind. He explores the pharmaceutical, social and sexual habits of the digital age. Pills are popped, rebellions spark - a young man matures against a set of difficulties unknown to generations past. Can Victor find meaning in the close sensations of a woman from the real world?

Jay Z. Catsby throws the sickest parties on the Jersey Shore. His neighbor Dick has heard all the rumors: Catsby killed a man. He's richer than Blue Ivy. He's Hugh Jackman's butt double in the X-Men movies. Nothing can prepare Dick for the strange truth: Catsby is a furry who spends his days and nights in a cat costume, pining away for Dick's cousin Dandelion, a manic-pixie dream yuppie living in Park Slope with her brutish husband. Against everyone's better judgment, Catsby begins an affair with Dandelion that may cost him all nine of his lives. A new serialized story from the author of the Wattpad sensation "Gone Grey," which was named one of Buzzfeed's "19 Wildest Fanfics That People Couldn't Stop Reading in 2015."

Even if she failed at life, at least she knew the perfect peanut butter to banana ratio. --- Awesome sauce cover by @JustCallMePicklez

*** "*Sobs* I'm so happy to have a character that's exactly like me." - @TakenUsernameSoz. "This story is so normal that it's unique; a breath of fresh air! Gives us normal girls hope, hi hi!" - @LocalSlayer "This book is seriously my inspiration to not be afraid to show who I am." - @Who_Says_Duh "THAT IS SO ME!!!!! IS THIS SOME TYPE OF VOODOO, MAGICAL BOOK OR SOME SHIT?!?!" - @ThePanther10101. *** Let's face it, none of those cliché situations from movies between a guy and a girl ever happen in real life. I'm not going to end up accidentally bumping into my future husband in a café, spilling a latte over him. I'm not going to go up to some random stranger and ask him for directions and he'll become mesmerised by the colour of my eyes and fall in love with me. The window of my bedroom doesn't happen to be situated opposite to that of a 'bad boy neighbour'. I was daydreaming, again. Something I do on a daily basis. Nothing different, right? Well, let's just say I didn't snap out of my little 'trance' until I saw a guy waving frantically at me, smiling. Oh shit, he's hot. He probably thinks I was checking him out. Great, now he's coming over. Kill me. *** • Highest rankings: #1 in Modeling - #1 in Awkward - #3 in Humor.

They're worlds apart, and this isn't high school, so how the hell did a homeless female writer end up renting a billionaire's mansion? And - hold your breath - becoming his fake girlfriend? ➳ full blurb inside ➳ first reached #1 in humor on july 6, 2015 ➳ first reached #1 in business on august 29, 2023 ➳ winner of best humor book in the fiction awards 2016 ➳ featured by cadbury (marvellous creations) and secret lives of the americans (pivot) P.S. This is a SATIRICAL BILDUNGSROMAN. Proceed with caution. (cover by @glueeater)

In a world... Where star-crossed lovers guarantee sales and novels lack all novelty... Comes a story so generic that it will appeal to everyone of every generation forever... The story of a ruggedly handsome man of indeterminate age, named Guy who meets an exquisitely beautiful recently-come-of-age woman, named Eve. It's love at first sight, but one of them has a secret... A secret so big that it will tear them apart forever... Or will it? The world may never know, because this is not that book. This book is clever and will appeal to a specific audience. People who like witty humor and realistic characters. People who like a large dose of laughter in their sci-fi. Wherein: Liam Gatley is—was a normal, just-trying-to-get-by-with-as-little-effort-as-possible university student. But he’s just woken up from a birthday bender in a recruiting office, and before he can even figure out what’s happened, he’s rushed aboard the (in)famous ISS Titan to hunt down interstellar pirates as a proud—and completely expendable—member of the Imperial Space Corps. Suddenly it’s hard to imagine life being any worse . . . It turns out Liam just needs a better imagination. On his first day, Liam is shot, stabbed, crushed, electrocuted, asphyxiated, and drowned. It gets even worse when the Titan runs afoul of a telepathic mutant who turns the ship’s own crew against her. Now Liam’s talent at not-quite-dying might save the day, but he’ll still have to lose his mind to survive. And if he can manage that, he’ll have to battle an overzealous military commander whose ambition threatens the entire Interstellar Human Empire. If he ever hopes to make it home again, Liam will have to risk everything to save the empire. On the bright side, he may just get the girl in the process.

Barney Conroy is an average guy trying to live an average life. He's just not as good at it as the rest of us. Each chapter of 'The Chronicles of Barnia' captures a particular episode in Barney's struggle to be socially acceptable. They can be read in any order. Barney's adventures continue in a full length novel right here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CSIFKQK Enjoy! Guy