an unexpected turn of events.

My throat was dry. I was choking on my own words as I tried to confess who I really was. I stared back at myself through the mirror for some sense of reinsurance or relief, but none came. I knew it in my head but my vocal cords didn't dare to utter the words. I'm not their little girl and I never was, nor will I ever be. I tried time and time again to abolish my denial. Every so often I'd get farther then the time before. Every time my throat would cut off as the t of trans came around, but I needed to admit it because I couldn't stand looking at this stranger in the mirror that people considered me. I didn't want to be fake anymore, I didn't want to be their little girl, I wanted to be me, and only me.

June 12, 2016. Pulse, Florida. The biggest hate crime against the LGBT community in 21st century America. It took some lives and changed others. Mine was one of them. Hi, I'm Matthew Westbrook. I live in a small apartment with my roommate, Austin Sherry, in Orlando. I'm doing literature from the University of Central Florida. I usually wear plaid shirts over colorful T-shirts and a pair of washed out jeans. And I'm gay. I'm gay. This is the story of my struggles to accept my sexuality, of how I got out of denial, of how I came out, of my first crush, my first kiss, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. This is the story of how I tore apart and then patched everything up. But most of all, this is a story of how a few people's hatred destroys so many lives. I was one of the people in the shootings in the gay club that night. I was one of the people huddled in the bathroom, fearing for my life and that of the guy I loved. I was one of the people who experienced the fatal mixture of fear and contempt first hand. And when my boyfriend got shot to save my life, I was left in a hopeless race to save everything that I held dear- my biggest secret, my sanity and the guy I owed everything to; even my heartbeat. Hi, I'm Matthew Westbrook. And this is my story.