CURRENTLY BEING RE-WRITTEN AS PART OF THE "HOW NOT TO VAMPIRE" SERIES) It's the week from Hell as Bob tries to save his ex-girlfriend Jaime from certain death... by turning her into a vampire. Needless to say, she doesn't quite agree with this plan and what follows is an epic journey in the making as Bob and Jaime try to track down the one vampire who might know how to turn Jaime back into a human. Oh yeah, and Bob's sometime-stalker-ex-girlfriend Beatrice is trying to kill them. Book 1: SO I MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE Book 2: SO I'M A VAMPIRE... NOW WHAT? Book 3: SO YOU USED TO BE HUMAN Book 4: SO YOU WANT TO KILL A VAMPIRE (now in drafts to return in Fall 2019?) Wattpad original: SO YOU MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE (799K reads, featured, #2 in Humor) ########## This was originally Book 2 of the series, but it's now Book 3 since SO I'M A VAMPIRE... NOW WHAT has been created to be Book 2. We've done a bit of editing and SO YOU MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE is now two books instead of one. Unfortunately, this means that Book 3 (this one) is finished before Book 2. So if you;re confused, sorry. If you're willing to wait a year and read the new book 2 first as it comes out on Wattled, then kudos to you, but to be honest, this book is awesome, so go ahead and read it now. Or not. Entirely up to you. Hilarity? Hell yes. Vulgar humour and excessive use of all examples of vulgar language that Bob can think up? You got it!

Vampires of legend couldn't possibly exist in our world. They would have had to adapt and had to do it quickly in order to blend in and to survive. There are a lot of myths that are plain silly and I get to poke fun at them with a close examination of why and how they're so impractical. Face it, certain aspects of the vampire legend don't hold up to close observation and logic. We're going to take a look at love, life, dating and whatever else comes into my mind. I love vampires, but there are just a few things that annoy me about the way they are characterized... it's just so impractical. Especially the sleeping in coffins thing... For a more in-depth look at how the legends of the vampire could change in modern times, read my novel HOW NOT TO VAMPIRE, which is the story form of this kind of examination. Here I get to just list the facts and rant a little... but just a little.

Vampiring is HARD. Things Bob has on his checklist when he accidentally becomes a vampire: a) forget everything he knows about vampires b) Google vampire survival tactics c) don't get brutally murdered by vampires. Apparently there are vampire LAWS, and Bob, a young, romantically-challenged black man living in Toronto, never got the guidebook. Even though it's not his fault that he's broken every rule, a secret vampire society is hellbent on giving him a more permanent death. With the help of his best pal, Claude, Bob tries to stay alive and hopefully turn around his screwed-up existence in the process. This is a FREE story with Paid Exclusive Chapters. Wattys 2022 Shortlist Wattpad Stormy Nights - Winner 20 CHAPTERS only on Wattpad [[word count: 50,000-75,000 words]] EXCERPT: ****** "Look: vampires are traditionally afraid of religious symbols. It's a well-known fact. If you're any kind of vampire, you should be outta here by now, not just sitting there drinking your coffee." "I'm not actually drinking it yet. Some idiot keeps interrupting me by shoving religious symbols in my face." Claude held up an ornate brass cross with a macabre Jesus Christ in the throes of death, designed to repel any nearby vampires. "Oh look," I said dryly, "the idiot's back." ****** Edited by Debra Goelz Cover model: Ariel Pacheco Cover Photo by: Theik Smith Cover designed by: Rodney V. Smith Want more? JOIN THE DISCORD SERVER: https://discord.gg/brxdsA9 Jaime's Infinite Playlist (spotify) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7DfPirPYtLKwEeSQ1upKZY?si=NhEhkcsIQOOpb7kKXIXWNw Book Playlist: https://music.apple.com/ca/playlist/jaimes-infinite-playlist/pl.u-JPVJCEXxXYv

When a driver for the service called VMPR realizes that vampires are real, he has to come to terms with the moral dilemma. Everything changes when one of the vampires he works for, hires him for the night, which ends up as a wild ride visiting old friends and enemies in n what looks to be a twisted suicide pact.

Bob has got to be the worst vampire in the world. Without a guide to learn how to be a good vampire, he's making it up as he goes along... while holding down a day job. [Previously Featured #2 Vampire ] ***** Everything I'm about to tell you is a lie. Well, except the parts that actually happened, but I'm supposed to let you guess which those are. The parts about me being a vampire, working at a porn shop, and being completely clueless about vampires, those are completely true. Oh, the parts about Claude, my best friend for life, being a gentleman thief? All true. This is NOT a misguided and sordid tell-all about being a modern-day vampire. (wink wink) My vampire club for accidental vampires, Friends of Vlad does not exist. Neither do vampires like the terrifying and beautiful Beatrice. There is no big bad vampire boss named Harry pushing vampires into the 21st Century. Also nope about the vampire club in the heart of Toronto and a big nope on Madame Vera's House of the Not-so-dead. I'm just an ordinary guy who became a vampire. Nothing unusual about that. Nothing at all... [BOOK ONE of CHASING THE SUN SERIES] REVIEWS: @DavidJThirteen Humour has to be one of the toughest genres to get right. This book really pulls it off. Thank you for an enjoyable, entertaining read! @SharylFriend This was awesome beyond mere words!!! Should be a BESTSELLER! @Signed_Sealed_96 This has been by far the best and funniest book I've read. I love this and I can't wait to tell my friends about this b'%&hing vampire story I read nonstop.

CURRENTLY BEING REWITTEN IN THE "HOW NOW TO VAMPIRE" SERIES Everybody thinks they know what happened at the Hotel Astoria. They're so, so wrong... I'm Bob, and I'm a vampire. I could lie and tell you that I'm a bonafide seventh-level badass vampire of the highest order, but then this would be a completely different story. What I want is for you to think of this as more of an "instructional manual" on how *not* to be a badass vampire. That kind of badassery takes training and a level of dedication that's just not my style, you know what I mean? If you do want to know how to piss off the nearest city of vampires (totally my fault), get the vampire Federali on your ass (me again), and be declared Vampire Enemy #1, then I'm just the guy you're looking for. Oh yeah, I'm also kinda-sorta-maybe-definitely dating my sworn enemy and she still might be looking to kill me at any moment, but I'm not taking responsibility for that hot mess. And I do mean hot in all of the wrong ways. If you want to know about the Hotel Astoria, then skip right to the end, but if you want to know the other stuff... well, settle in. BOOK 2 of CHASING THE SUN SERIES sequel to SO I MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE