Heavenly_Spot
I'm 24, and I hate myself.
That's the truth I never thought I would say out loud.
While everyone around me seems to be moving forward-getting married, building families, becoming the person they prayed to be-I feel stuck.
Watching their lives bloom while mine feels like it's falling apart.
From 2023 to now, I don't see growth.
I see pain.
I see cycles I can't seem to break.
I see someone I don't recognize anymore.
I try to get back up, to be better, to be closer to God... but every time I fall again, the shame gets louder:
"You're a disappointment."
"You'll never change."
"You're a lost cause."
I want love.
I want to feel chosen.
I want to be held, seen, and known.
But somewhere along the way, I started believing that I'm too broken for that kind of life.
I grew up compared to my sister-loud versus quiet, bold versus shy.
I wanted to explore the world; she wanted to stay home.
Even my body became a battleground-I was "bigger, thicker," the kind of body that made people notice in ways I didn't want.
By the time I was seven, I experienced trauma that left scars I still carry-SA.
I struggled with feelings I didn't know how to handle, running toward PM and M instead of away from them.
And the shame? It followed me everywhere.
Even in the mess, there's a quiet thread of hope.
This book isn't written from a place of having it all together.
It's written from the middle of the struggle-
from the girl who is tired of starting over,
tired of comparing,
tired of feeling like a background character in her own life.
Even here... there's still a quiet question:
What if I'm not a lost cause?
What if the chains I feel-shame, loneliness, sin-are breakable?
This book is for anyone who has ever felt stuck, broken, or unworthy.
It's for those who want to see that even in our mess, Jesus sees us, loves us, and can lead us toward freedom and healing.
Trigger warning: Discusses SA (sexual assault), PM (porn), and M (masturbation).