Guardian Angel

Who knew that I would willingly let the darkness suffocate me and suck all the light within me?

I literally had nothing to live for, so why be alive now?

I have no family, only the cruel stepmother my father was married to and two troubled stepsisters who knew exactly how to enrage me and get under my skin.

I have no friends, I was raised being homeschooled and thus making it difficult to make friends when I was forced to start public school a week after my father’s death.

If no one loves or cares for you, do you really exist at all?

I curled my small frame into fetal position as I rocked back and forth. No tears stained my face, no emotion overtook my soul... I felt absolutely nothing at all. I was a hollow shell with nothing to fill inside. I was empty.

My feet got up and strolled over to the small restroom as the girl in the mirror stared back with blank brown eyes. I pinched my arm hard…nothing. I dug my nails deep into my thighs and urged them up to my waist, waiting to feel something. I repeatedly slapped my face and screamed, “Feel something! Feel something!” and pulled on my dark hair.

I opened the tiny cabinet and got out a pair of scissors. I spread the legs apart and stuck one tip into my stomach and I dragged it across as I freely let it cut open my skin, if only by a little. If there was one emotion I was able to endure, it was pain.

I could have easily ended my life any night I choose too, but something always held me back.

A small spark of hope that my life had more meaning to it than just this… that I’m destined for better. Maybe this was God’s test to see how much longer I was able to hold on to the string of my life. My fingers were nearly slipping from the tip of it, barely grasping onto anything.