Let Me Love The Lonely Out Of You

My Mum's word keeps replaying in my head as my head hits the pillow

"It's all your fault, you killed your father, I hate you and how you ruined my life" I've never felt this pain before in my life. Hearing her say those words hurts more than I imagined.

How did my life change from a perfect one to a nightmare? Growing up I had it all, a perfect family, a happy home, but everything has tumble down like an avalanche.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all these, but I have no one. No one to turn to, no one to comfort me , no one to tell or lie to me that everything will be alright. I'm alone in the world. No friends , no family. Just me.

"Daddy I'm alone, and I don't know if I can survive. I can't do this alone." I said into the darkness.

"Daddy this isn't the life you'll want me to have, you'll want me to be happy, you'll want me to have fun, to meet a nice guy, to fall in love. And I forgive you for dying, I forgive you for leaving me all by myself, I forgive you for not being here for me when I need you, I forgive you for marrying mum, I forgive you and I will always love you dad. And I'm going to try to be happy for you."

I'm crying now, the pain is just too much to handle, I was a kid when my dad died , then all I thought I needed was candy, crowns , and pretty dresses. That was all I thought I needed, but since growing up I've got to discover that there's more to life than that. I know 3-4 year old me will be pretty mad for ruining her little perfect life. Can you blame me? I whisper I'm sorry to whoever is hearing me.

I can't let all these weigh me down, I will keep my head up, strong and high and tell everyone I'm fine even if inside I'm dying of sorrow and pain. And in few months I'd turn 18 , then graduate, then go to a good college. That's the plan, nothing will distract me , because getting into a college is my one way ticket out of this hell.

I can do it, nothing will stop me , I hope nothing stops me.