My soulmates keeps writing dicks on me

When you're 18 you stop aging until you find your soulmate, thats not true. When you're 18 your soulmate's name appears on your hand. Thats not real either. What your soulmate first says to you is imprinted on your arm. Is that true?

Its hard to tell. Everyone has it differently, and sometimes they have it all.

John Egbert has been alive for 923 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 18 hours, and 49 minutes now.

Sure you has cool rad cousins, a skeptical sister, a best bro, your strange cynical wise girl-friend, and this weird psycho chick you met at a college party and are now bffs with. Its cool, you likes yout life, to an extent. It get drab, boring, dull, REPETITIVE after nine centuries.

Rose has her lover, Dave has a friend with benefits? Hm that doesn't sound right? Even your ex has found her soulmate. Your best bro and your older cousin are dating, and you're pretty sure you sister is in a poly? You swear you don't remember polys being in the whole soulmate jig but you don't question it.

You are this close to just going off to live in a retirement home and play chess with your nana and poppop. However the Lalonde sisters aren't very keen on your idea, and instead drag you onto their annual camping trip, with added company you certainly DO NOT know.

Your name is John Egbert, and you worry you might end up having to deal these 2 sisters until their dying day.