What Feels... (#Wattys2017)
  • Reads 56
  • Votes 13
  • Parts 16
  • Time 1h 30m
  • Reads 56
  • Votes 13
  • Parts 16
  • Time 1h 30m
Ongoing, First published Jun 05, 2017
What feels like the end is never the end, my mother always told me that when I felt as if it was, indeed, the end. 
It sucks to be faced with something so incredibly hard to contemplate and so incredibly hard to think of when your heart and mind want two different things. Mom used to tell me that you can control your heart and mind because they are connected, I do not believe that. My heart and mind are two different beings, one that knows better and the other that doesn't.
You would methodically assume that my mind knew better and my heart didn't, but, after what has happened I even question that myself. It seemed like both knew better, it seemed like one knew better, so...what's the problem? 
Its What feels like the end. It felt like the end a thousand times over...
And, it kind of starts like this:
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I really don't remember the last time I was happy even my childhood memories I honestly don't remember having a bubbly childhood like any other kids ,my life has always been miserable and honestly learned how to adapt to that. you honestly smile over something stupid , laugh over a cracked joke for a few minutes and there's that thing that triggers that you just had enough and you should stop and your mood just goes down and there's nothing to do about it. It's like the inner you always wakes up fucked up more than you are fucked up and tells you that you just sad and you gonna stay that way until you take out the anger on something or someone but you know what something always has to be the blade, permanent scars on how bad it was ,a daily reminder on how life is and how sadness over comes you at times actually not at times but everytime and on the someone part , you hurt people that honestly try to reach out to you and show you how much they care about you but you just had it with everyone and everything and you want no one caring about your feelings and giving a fuck about you because you can't reciprocate the feelings. You can't find yourself caring about anyone else but you but still can't care about yourself enough to feel safe or protected , he was the only one that made me feel alive and I lost him but what hurts more is losing someone and only realizing later what they meant to you.
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