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•F E E D•

existentiallylost

Reads 228
Votes 25
Parts 7
Time 3h 1m

Reads 228
Votes 25
Parts 7
Time 3h 1m

existentiallylost

amazingphil anorexia bulimia danandphil danhowell danielhowell danisnotonfire eatingdisorder internet mentalhealth mentalillness phandom phanfic phanfiction philiplester phillester recovery romance tatinof

Estée Frost is recovering from Anorexia, two years ago, when TATINOF toured the UK she was admitted into hospital but thanks to an online campaign of sorts, she is lucky enough to be treated to an all expenses paid trip to see the last UK date at the London Palladium.

While she's there, she notices something about Dan, something that reminds her of the way she was back when all her problems started and she starts to wonder, could one of her biggest insult inspirations in life be struggling too? 

In the present day the YouTube channel she created to document her day to day battle with her eating disorder 'Estée Eats' has taken off, that's when she receives the message she never expected to see, and finds herself not only determined to fix herself, but to fix him too.

(UPDATED WEEKLY ON FRIDAY/SATURDAY)All Rights Reserved

amazingphil anorexia bulimia danandphil danhowell danielhowell danisnotonfire eatingdisorder internet mentalhealth mentalillness phandom phanfic phanfiction philiplester phillester recovery romance tatinof

Table of contents

7 parts

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psychedelia | phan by thenightlockfox

Dan has given up on ever being happy. Life has lost its meaning, and everything he seems to do causes some form of destruction, and Dan is so tired of destroying the things he used to love. He's lost so much, and he's scared of losing Phil, the only thing he can bring himself to care about. But Dan can't see past his own depression that Phil is struggling with bulimia, and that he's equally good at hiding his dark thoughts as Dan. And as Dan walks through the streets alone at night getting high to escape from the hell he's trapped himself in, will he be able to see that maybe the happiness he craves so desperately is not on the streets in the form of white pills, but inside his own apartment in the form of Phil Lester? Or will it be too late... WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SEXUAL SITUATIONS, USE OF DRUGS, VIOLENCE, HIGH LEVELS OF ANGST, BULIMIA, AND THEMES OF SUICIDE. IT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS.

Losing Him // phan by GypsyRover

{I lost him a while back, but I didn't realise until it was too late. Until he was gone for good.} TW for depression, suicide, and lots of existentialism.

Complicated Love (Phan) by arcticfox167

Dan and Phil have been in love ever since they first met all those years ago. But their love is to be put to the test when a new girl enters Dan's life, splitting him and Phil apart. In the end, Dan has to make a choice between his two love interests, a choice that could possibly destroy his and Phil's relationship forever. --- Slow Updates

My Blood, Your Bones - Phan by SweetLittlePhangirl

Young Dan Howell, who lives with his alcoholic father, lost his mother to cancer less than a year ago, and is killing himself. Phil Lester, a boy picked on for his weight, lives alone from the rest of the world in a rehab center while trying to recover from severe anorexia. When a concerned teacher suggests Dan seek help, the two lonely worlds collide. Maybe all they need for help is each other. (Rating: Mature! Very angsty! Read at your own risk! Triggers: self harm, eating disorder, suicide. A little swearing. A little smutty, a little fluffy)

The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell by CastawayFangirl

~ SEQUEL TO 'If We Just Lay Here' ~ It's time for a brand new start at life but when you find that you're working alongside the person who you swore you'd never see again, you fear that you'll just fall apart. You have both changed so much since you last saw each other and getting back to where you started is going to be a challenge. Will Dan make you fall for him all over again or like before, will it result in tears and heartache? Find out and enjoy!

broken ; phan by iblameherbs

(COMPLETED) It has been at least a year ever since Dan and Phil had ended their friendship and stopped doing youtube. Phil went and moved onto a radio show on bbc radio, But Dan moved in with his parents not knowing what to do with his life, where will their journeys take them? (very fluffy, no smut, triggering things here, mentions of self harm in like 3 chapters, this is an emotional train)

No More Golden Days by JaxRidge

⚠️Warning!: does mention depression, physical and some sexual assault, suicide, anxiety attacks, and eating disorders if you are triggered by these topics please do not read.

Unbroken || Dan Howell x reader by secretlyhomicidal

Moving to London, finally. New people, new home, new life. You can forget all of your problems back in North America, with the help of someone special... _____________ Forewarning: I wrote this story many years ago, so I apologize for all the spelling mistakes, grammar issues and the overall overused plot. My writing has since improved, but I'd rather not edit and correct all these things for the sake of looking back on how much I've grown and changed, writing-wise. Thanks for your understanding!

Depression//Phan by bluetroyee

(tw: s*lf-h*rm, mentions of s*lf-h*rm, d*pr*ss*d scenes. May be triggering for some. Read at your own limit, please!) Phil Lester, a boy who's falling into depression slowly. And soon, his depression may end up falling to deep. He gets hateful and rude comments on his videos that he posts to YouTube. He even gets hate on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. What did he ever do to them? What did he do to deserve any of this?? His flatmate Dan doesn't know about Phil's depression, however. All he knows (thinks, rather) is that his best friend is staying strong through all of the hateful things he gets from people. But in reality, that's not what Phil is doing at all. He's not staying strong through the hate. He's just faking the smile for Dan so he wouldn't get so worried about him. Sure, Dan might be able to crack some real smiles out of him once in a while, but not every time. He also wears long sleeves and thick bracelets to hide the scars of his pain. He acts like his normal quirky, adorable, funny, weird self when making YouTube videos, when around his friends and family, when having a meet-up with fans (or just being around them in general), when out in public, etc. Phil hadn't told anyone at all about his depression. And he probably wouldn't anytime soon, either. His fans didn't know, his friends didn't know, his family didn't know, Dan didn't know... nobody knew. But one day, would people push him over his limit? Would Dan be able to save him in time? © 2016 by bluetroyee. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Too Close (Phan) by WellThisIsAwkward49

Phil Lester is a well known youtuber. He hides behind the camera, he acts the way that he wants to but he scared to be himself at school. He's popular and he's not happy like that. Dan is sweet and rarely talks. He is always afraid that somebody will hurt him so he tries to stay away from people and emotions. Dan struggles with depression, selfharm, bullies, anorexia, a dark past, and being fostered by an abusive family. His mom and dad died when he was 13 and he blames himself everyday. His 7 year old sister is the only thing keeping him alive and sane. Phil feels bad for Dan, but he can't show it unless he wants to get hurt to. Little does Phil know, Dan is quickly losing control of his life. Read this book to go on this adventure with Dan and Phil. (Will mostly be written in Dan's POV) WARNINGS: This story will have very triggering content that deals with self harm, depression, self hatred, anorexia, abuse, harsh language, bullying, mentions of rape, bulimia, and anxiety. Please be careful reading my book and I am always here to talk if you need it. Also, Dan is shorter in this book, about 5'9" cause I have a thing with height.

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Slide 1 of 10

psychedelia | phan cover

Losing Him // phan cover

Complicated Love (Phan) cover

My Blood, Your Bones - Phan cover

The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell cover

broken ; phan cover

No More Golden Days cover

Unbroken || Dan Howell x reader cover

Depression//Phan cover

Too Close (Phan) cover

psychedelia | phan

Dan has given up on ever being happy. Life has lost its meaning, and everything he seems to do causes some form of destruction, and Dan is so tired of destroying the things he used to love. He's lost so much, and he's scared of losing Phil, the only thing he can bring himself to care about. But Dan can't see past his own depression that Phil is struggling with bulimia, and that he's equally good at hiding his dark thoughts as Dan. And as Dan walks through the streets alone at night getting high to escape from the hell he's trapped himself in, will he be able to see that maybe the happiness he craves so desperately is not on the streets in the form of white pills, but inside his own apartment in the form of Phil Lester? Or will it be too late... WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SEXUAL SITUATIONS, USE OF DRUGS, VIOLENCE, HIGH LEVELS OF ANGST, BULIMIA, AND THEMES OF SUICIDE. IT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS.