Another sleepless night. Another night twisting from my back on my side and so on, trying to get lost in my dreams, or maybe nightmares. Plausible nightmares. I hate this fear rusting my insides. In fact, I don't have any idea why I fear. I fear trying to get in touch with who I am. That's why hours go by and I get lost in my thoughts, scenaries which will only ever take place inside my brain, my soul; your soul maybe, if I'll ever be in it. Be in who's soul? If I could only be more than an enclosed soul and if I'd be opening to someone, my life would change. Lies. I don't need changes. Perfect wannabe, perfect always be, hardly socialising, revising, revising and revising. Perfect life? No. I just wish my boyfriend was hidden under my bed, or could transform into a teddy bear, so he would be there all the time, everytime. Wait, what am I saying? I don't have a boyfriend. Maybe the night off sleep is acting upon my conscience. Get up, start your life. Be yourself. Be the person expected to be? Live.
I wanted to tell him that I knew his favorite book, and his coffee order, and the way he clicked his pen when he was deep in thought. I wanted to tell him I knew that he sleeps on the right side of the bed and eats on the left side of the table. I wanted to tell him that I knew his worries, dreams and fears. I wanted to tell him that I knew he loved me too.
I wanted to see his laugh, and know that I was the reason. I wanted to make him smile, just to see those dimples that lay heavenly on his face. I wanted his eyes to light up in joy- I wanted to see him happy.
I wanted to tell him that I prided myself in the fact that I had memorized all the freckles on his skin, how his freckles birthmarks created their own galaxies of planets and stars.
I wanted to tell him I would be there for him, on the bad days too. I wanted to tell him he could call be at 3:46 in the morning and just complain, I'd completely understand.
I wanted to tell him that he had completely beguiled me; that he was my entire world. I wanted to tell him that I love him more than anything I had ever known.
I wanted to run to him, to hug him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and never let me go. I wanted to never leave him. I wanted to rule by his side, as his Luna.
Instead, I just turned my back in order to not let anyone see my tears.
I walked away from the love of my life, for what? For fate? For destiny? Or for some foolish trick that I was walking myself into?
No matter the reason, I walked away from him with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart. I never wanted to walk away again.
He was my mate and all I wanted was him.