Loving cant hurt
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Raegan broke up with me a while back Nothing felt the same. I felt like i couldnt be happy i had to get high to put a smile on my face. I knew i couldnt be sad around my supporters i didnt want them to worry. I barely went live because i was too high i needed to be. Cause if i wasnt i could end up 6 feet in a grave i didnt want to do that to my supporters cause i knew half of them went through deppression i didnt want to make anyone sad. But i couldnt pretend to be okay if i wasnt i gave up on myself. I just wanted to die whats the point i asked myself is there even a point?. I grabbed my phone and posted a picture with the caption "i love you guys". I turned off my phone and went into the bathroom I looked at myself and felt tears stream down my face. Everything in me was numb everything in me broke. I didnt care anymore i just wanted everything to be over. I turned off the bathroom and walked down the hall went into my room and grabbed the rope from closet. I sat on the ground and thought to myself no one can fix this no one can help.
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𝗞𝗶𝗱𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱 (ℬ𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒾ℯ ℰ𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓈𝒽) [𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗱 2020]
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"Will be there in 20?" The message from Dean reads. My brain says I should text back saying 'I will rip your balls off if you come over' or 'I am not a sex toy, you could come over and use me as and when you please' or at least a simple 'No'. But I don't. I squat next to my bed and pull out the white powder to numb the pain. I told myself that I am done with Dean and I am going to get my life back together. I cleaned up, battled withdrawals and even improved my grades. One text from him and I am snorting coke. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let Dean treat me like trash? Why do I set myself up knowing that it's only a matter of time before he will run back to Sherley leaving me in limbo? Why? l have asked myself the same question a million times but I couldn't come up with an answer that I can use to justify myself. When it came to Dean, I was a masochist. I let him use me and discard me without any fight. Dean was my first Friend. Kiss. Sex. Love. Everything. I wanted to be his everything too. I was his first Friend. Kiss and Sex but Love.. that was Sherley. His family chauffeur's daughter. I want to be a better human and say I didn't hate her. But I am not. I am just human and I hate her with the ferocious of a thousand sun. I hate that she plays him like a fiddle and he dances to it. I hate that they fight for silly reasons and Dean comes running to me. I hate that I let him in even when I know she will reel him back in no time. I hate that he is my weakness and Sherley is his. I wished that my best friend would turn to be my lover. But he just ripped my heart out. It time to let go and move on.
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