The Number Habit

This was my reality, as a boy with anorexia.
Consistently counting, this was my life.

Consumed by not consuming.

[exert:]

Class ends and no-one ever notices that I don't go there. I see people running to the cafeteria but the putrid smell makes me inwardly gag. There are already younger pupils eating outside in swarms; shovelling pasta into their mouths unconcerned of the consequences. I can't help but feel disgusted by the chomping jaws but I walk slowly away with a fascinated curiosity.

There is a satisfaction that comes with saying 'no' to things that make you a better person. The sense of being able to make decisions is so relieving; people eat because it is habit, repeating the action at set times and calling it 'breakfast', 'lunch' and 'dinner. They do it because that is what they have been doing all their lives, they just eat it because it is out in front of them. When you think about it, why bother with the trivial matter? It is just a waste of time and money.

I walked to the library and drank two thirds of the icy water in my bottle which quelled the acid. To prevent my mind from eating for the sake of it, I had learnt that chewing gum (sugar free spear mint) emulated the sensation of being full; after all, most of eating and being hungry was not the body but the emotional want.

[end]