DC's Rambling, Ranting and Generally Colloquial Guide to the English Language

So I write a lot, and I've been told by quite a few people that I have a way with words.

Aaaand my ethos ends there! What credibility do I have to write a guide to the exceedingly chaotic three-languages-stacked-on-top-of-each-other-wearing-a-trenchcoat mess we call the English language? In statistical terms, essentially zero.

That being said, I'm oddly fond of rambling about the craft of writing, so let's dive right into this sarcastic orgy of things I wish my English teachers would have taught me! (And worry not, teachers that have actually taught me something, there will be a chapter dedicated to those things you taught me--like how orgy can be used to describe a collection of things! Useful stuff, y'know?)