Painless Goodbye
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Complete, First published Nov 03, 2017
Consistency fears me
My anxiety stalks it like prey
Hoping that it will change its mind
 and come home
I found it once it was at the corner of Hope
and I'm alone
Its a crossroad that has potholes 
Every stone in my shoe a reminder
The holes growing deeper with doubts
worries making it grow wider 
Yet here I am
Thinking it will be okay again
Consistency still fears me because I have no home
It isn't humble or forgiving
Its hard and cold like stone
My heart has died
and I'm alone
I'm stuck somewhere between 
a house and a home
No one ever told me that 
Your heart is in your home
If you think back that makes sense
because our home was always cold.
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[BWWM] I was only twelve years old when the world turned cold. The day my mom died in that car accident, I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over my heart. My dad, who had always been my hero, suddenly became a stranger, filled with rage and blame. He couldn't see that I was hurting, too; he only saw me as a reminder of his loss. The accusations cut deep. He said it was my fault for being there, for not doing something to save her. For being the reason she was in the car in the first place. In the years that followed, things only got worse. The abuse started gradually-a harsh word here, a shove there-but it escalated, leaving scars that I carried long after the physical pain faded. I was drowning in my own despair, struggling to keep my head above water while my father's anger raged like a storm around me. I only had a break from his anger when I started living with Aunt Dina-my mom's older sister. Well, that was because she found me nearly dead on my bed after I took a dozen pills. I was tired of living. I had hit rock bottom. The harsh whispers that followed me around and the stares at school. I pretended not to notice, like it didn't bother me. But it did. I was alone. Then came Athalia, a ray of sunshine cutting through my darkness. With her, I felt something I hadn't felt in years-happiness. She became my light through the darkness and my lifeline. ••••••••••• ● Warnings ⚠️ ~ Mention of suicide ~ Anxiety attacks ~ Rape attempt ~ Mention of self-harm ~ Depression