Finding my way

I am writing about what I have gone through these past couple years hoping to find out why I am sick in my head. When I am in the here and now I see life a certain way and I believe it to be true. I know when I do bad things, I can see that. The real problem is when I believe something to be true and it isn't. It feels like I am truly blind to reality. I destroy myself piece by piece. Sometimes I see it, but most of the time I don't. I hope that through my writing you can see me and not the side that lives here. I call that side Hyde. Hyde is very crafty, He can impersonate me pretty well. I think that it is me out here and I am the one who has control. But is that really true? I give him power somehow and I feel like I am trapped in a cage watching him destroy myself. I fear that in the end I may cause more harm than good in life. I won't allow that to happen. If I can't figure it out I will end my pain early. But is that really me or has Hyde finally decided to end me and is making me believe that it is I that wants to end it. I have never thought about suicide before in my life until today when I saw a different side of this sickness. The date is 3-3-14 and the first two chapters were written yesterday. At the end of this I will correct all the grammatical errors and improve the flow in which I write my life. I find it more important to save myself right now because I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.