Out Of Control

Here's a tale filled with bizarre elements such as a dragon boyfriend, three millennia's worth of treasure and a self-proclaimed schizophrenic; that would be me. Watch out for the guide that should come out at the end. It's a beginner's guide to insanity. Now let's get to the wacky twist fate wrought out for me. Why don't we begin at the part where a lizard made my life spin out of control?