An Outsider's Guide to the Inside World

I'd like to begin by saying that I had no say in this. Parties aren't my forte, and they have never been. I'm not the kind of guy who will scream at the top of his lungs just for kicks and take shots of vodka even though he hates the taste. Yet here I am, with a solo cup in hand while my vibrating eardrums are obliterated by the sound of quite possibly the worst music I've ever heard. Hopefully, this is enough context for you not to hate a story's protagonist within the first page. If you want to hate me later on, fine. That being said, let's rewind......