It's gonna be the death of me

a Diary that I need to keep to myself.... Nobody is gonna figure this out. Nobody is gonna see this. Not today, Connor. Ok: I get abused by my dad alot. And I get so hurt. There are scars and burns that nobody knows I've had. Nobody. Things I know, that my friends care about me. But however I feel so bad all the time. I'm scared. I don't know what's going on with my life. I don't have a mom, but I have a sister. my sister thinks bad about me too. However my dad loves Heather. I've done nothing wrong. And recently I've done something horribile. I'm not gonna do it again. But ive read a certain book. On this game. This makes it worse. I'm unsafe. I can't do this any longer... But it keeps happening. Even while you read this. OR, just me. But I feel like I'm telling someone who would care. But it's crazy. And I'm crazy. And I don't know how I have friends when I'm like this. I'm always in pain and i can't Control myself. I feel like pretty soon something is gonna happen... I've even pictured it. I'm scared of when this happens, but it's gonna happen. The book I read? It was a "smut" book that I didn't know what that meant. And now I know. The sounds I hear from my father's room when he is drunk, I know what I've heard. I was a little kid when I saw him and a girl, and I still remember it. It hurts me. SO much. Also I wanna say dad has always hated me, even as a baby. I also don't know who my mom is. Anyway, this affected me. I remember myself coming over, not knowing anything of course. "Hi!" The girl came and said how cute I was, and I just stood there like "are you crazy you look unusual." Then my dad kinda groped at her and brought her back to the bed. I can remember this, and it hurts my mind. Continuing, being stupid, I said "Can I play?!" and the girl giggled. "Sure." I think you know what happened next, and I'm gonna tell you. And I'm 10, so dOn't go crazy over what I just said: my dad told me to fuck her. And I didn't know how. SO he used me to.it felt so...