A Penny For Your Thoughts
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Lately, it's been getting harder and harder to get through my depression. I wanted a safe place for me to write what's on my mind. I know a journal would make much more sense, but my fiance has been snooping through and she has just lost her mother, so I don't want her to read all my sad shit. This is a MAJOR trigger warning- so if you read and something happens, I warned you.
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I've written 3 anonymous online journals so far in my life. The first was as an adolescent, ending when, at 19, I commenced a long term relationship in which my partner had an issue with me writing about my thoughts and feelings in case they were about her. I also had to cease my other creative outlet - drawing. Because she felt it's abstracted nature hid secret messages about her. The second started when that relationship was coming to an end. I needed an outlet. I had nobody to talk to about what I was going through so I secretly started writing again. This is that second journal, when I was around 25 years old, which I've taken from it's retired blogger page and have transferred here. Part of the reason I am doing this is because my daughter, who was very young at the time of writing this, has expressed some curiosity about my journal. One day when she's older and has more life experience it might be OK to see what I'm writing now, but in the meantime, she can read this, a moment in my life for which she was present but that she could not understand at the time.
I'm just lying here in stillness and darkness wondering why. Why did this have to happen to my mom? We have nothing we can't even afford a house. Here I am a 14 year old boy that lives in a shelter home. Mom says one day we'll get out. But I've lost all hope. And I know my mom has no hope either. If she did I wouldn't have to hear her cry herself to sleep at night. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I wish, I could get a job. Maybe since I'm younger and a boy they'll hire me. Who am I kidding? My mom's in her 30's she's not old either. Sometimes the idiots that run this place kick my mom out for the night because she's making too much noise after hours. My mom was crying; is that too hard to understand? I hate this place. Well, tomorrow's our first day apart since summer started. They're forcing me to go to high school. I'm okay with school but I don't want to leave my mom alone in this world. Well, I guess there's a better chance of me getting a job if I'm in high school. You know there's one thing I remember my mom telling me when I was young. "Never frown; you never know who's falling in love with your smile." Words to live by. Let's hope they help me tomorrow.
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