Fear of the Heat and Cold

Dear Clown Shorts...

"Ice cold but I freeze up when I see ya... Wish we could start this whole thing over." -Emily Warren
"Feeling used, but I'm still missing you, and I can't see the end of this... Now all this time passing by... It hurts me every time I see you. I realize how much I need you." -Olivia O'Brien
"Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me... Sorry I could be so blind." -Halsey
"Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life."
"I wish I was brave enough to love you... I didn't want to wreck it all." -Christina Perri
This is a letter to the boy I've liked for two years and counting. This is briefer than our friendship was, but if there wasn't a word limit, I would ramble on forever. Most romance novels make my stomach do acrobatics, but my best friend is obsessed with romcoms and dramas now that she's reached her mid-teenage years. My foolish drama excites her, so since some people see my life as a movie, I might as well write and let my feelings make someone happy. That someone will never be me, but that's okay. If he can be happy, I can too. After all, there's always some sort of competition between us.

I say that I don't like competition, but maybe I do. I said that I didn't like him, but I do. I lie too much.

Some parts of this might be comical, but humor is how I deal with pain. I smiled when my friend told me that dear old Clown Shorts didn't like me like he said he did and like I secretly hoped. If that friend knew that I harbored feelings for him, she would've scolded me about popularity and called me childish and naive. She basically supports the caste system, but I'm a part of the problem too. C.O., you're a prince and I'm a peasant. That is why I never told you that I liked you, despite all the chances you presented me. I'm an idiot, but so are you.

I love you anyway.

But now it's too late. You want her, and I'm old news.