Makeshift
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WpMetadataNoticeLast published Wed, Jun 11, 2014
I can remember a different time. A time I have not lived in, but remember. An era of color and joy, far from where the world rests now, I can see it. Far from the imaginations of a toddler to the makings of an old man, I can see it. I see it and yearn for it, the it that is unexplainable but at the same time bliss. I have odd imaginings of a time when war did not plague the land, there are rich people and poor people, and they have their differences but ultimately find solid ground to stand on. A time when power is a sign of corruption, and simplicity is a sign of perfection. My thoughts of a past world such as this would confuse my neighbors. They would assume my innocence of youth had turned into madness. I keep my childish wonderings to myself.
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Sometimes, I feel like I was designed not to live - but just to survive. My brain doesn't crave joy, meaning, or legacy - it just tries to prevent crisis. It calculates food, money, safety. It panics. It runs. It hides. And somehow... it keeps missing life. I've spent years trying to understand why my mind behaves this way. Why it imagines catastrophes while standing still. Why it avoids the simplest task. Why it overthinks even brushing teeth, but can ride a cycle for 100 km in the rain without blinking. One day, when I was still, completely still... with no task to distract me... this strange feeling overtook me. The thought that maybe - just maybe - I am not supposed to design my own purpose. I looked up. And I said, silently: "God... if You made me this way... if You crafted this restless, impulsive, chaos-driven machine of a brain... then You must know where I fit. Use me. Don't let me rot in guilt and survival. Don't let me just float. You know this universe in ways I never can. You know every corner of it. So You must know the one place where this exact wiring of mine can become meaningful." This wasn't surrender from pain. It was surrender from trying to control something I've clearly never understood. I don't need peace. I don't need success. I need to be used. Fully. For something only this kind of life, this kind of mind, could contribute. If I am a tool, let me build something. If I am a flame, let me burn where light is needed. But don't keep me in the dark asking, "Why me?" Maybe I wasn't built to ask. I was built to be assigned.

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