Feeling Numb

i constantly think about suicide. not that necessarily i want to die but just to end my pain. the pain is more of a sense of numbness, than anything.

I tell myself constantly to try to love myself, but over the years of mental / physical abuse + previous anorexia history, you dont really get to choose what you think when you have anxiety and depression.

things can be going really well in my life but i can still continue to have this dark, heavy space surround me. i wake up and sometimes i wish i just wouldn't.

at times i catch myself thinking about the worst. my failures, my abusive past, rape, and bad thoughts about my relationship.
honestly the only time my brain stops thinking toxic thoughts im either asleep or staying busy (work, excessive cleaning).

I have been diagnosed with depression at the age of 13, then diagnosed with anxiety at 14, following my eating disorder. i was down to about 70 pounds at the age of 14. i could only see fat. i refused to eat. i would replace meals with water. by the age of 19 (about 20) I was raped, and also shortly before that i was in a physically abusive relationship.

at the age of 19 i was hospitalized for suicidal intentions. By the time i was 20, I relapsed, i began cutting myself again. I tried to help myself, i had my own car and apartment, then within months I lost it all. i took a bunch of my prescription depression pills and tried to end the suffering.

the attempt didnt work, shortly after i took half the bottle before taking the rest, i thought of my son. walked 4 blocks to the nearest hospital and checked myself in. they ship me to yet another round of a mental ward.

at this point in my life, i completely despise myself. im not sure if anyone could hate themselves more. ive tried positive thinking, new coping skills, none of it works. sometimes i think im only alive because id rather live with feeling numb than to have sorrow brought upon those who say they care for me.

and believe me, ive tried "getting help"