feeling unreal

feeling unreal

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WpMetadataNoticeLast published Thu, Dec 27, 2018
My life has always been a joke. I don't really exist, am just a figment of my own imagination, I do not have any purpose in life. Since the beginning of these gruesome episodes I have withdrawn to the farthest part of my mind. When I take a glance at the person staring right back at me in the mirror, I see a complete stranger. Something is definitely wrong with me but I can't decode the encrypted messages my body is throwing at me. Never shared this bewildering thoughts to anyone and I would like to keep it that way to avoid rue, besides, having a different perspective of the world makes it harder. Sometimes I feel like I am floating on air in my own small bubble, I don't expect you to understand because I don't understand myself either. Being left with the never ending pain seeping through my veins together with the loneliness makes me numb of any emotion in general.
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I really don't remember the last time I was happy even my childhood memories I honestly don't remember having a bubbly childhood like any other kids ,my life has always been miserable and honestly learned how to adapt to that. you honestly smile over something stupid , laugh over a cracked joke for a few minutes and there's that thing that triggers that you just had enough and you should stop and your mood just goes down and there's nothing to do about it. It's like the inner you always wakes up fucked up more than you are fucked up and tells you that you just sad and you gonna stay that way until you take out the anger on something or someone but you know what something always has to be the blade, permanent scars on how bad it was ,a daily reminder on how life is and how sadness over comes you at times actually not at times but everytime and on the someone part , you hurt people that honestly try to reach out to you and show you how much they care about you but you just had it with everyone and everything and you want no one caring about your feelings and giving a fuck about you because you can't reciprocate the feelings. You can't find yourself caring about anyone else but you but still can't care about yourself enough to feel safe or protected , he was the only one that made me feel alive and I lost him but what hurts more is losing someone and only realizing later what they meant to you.

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