No Returns Accepted

Reads 114
Votes 19
Parts 5
Time 31m

Reads 114
Votes 19
Parts 5
Time 31m

There's been a monster in the mirror since Ollie was eleven, and he only knows one thing: it despises the color yellow. So, when a truly terrible tragedy involving a spork and a too-long flight of stairs leaves him eyeless, and he's sent down the street to Magdalena's Emporium of the Weird & Wonderful to get a new pair, he knows just what color to choose.
    
    But the eyes are more than he bargained for. Ollie starts seeing death in everyone he touches, and the crotchety storekeeper, Susan, holds firm in her No Returns Accepted store policy.
    
    Ollie does what any reasonable twenty-something already drowning in insurmountable college debt with no fear of any god (capitalist or otherwise) would do and hires the best lawyer in town to force her hand. Well-versed in the matters of arguing, the lawyer thinks they have a real chance of winning on the grounds that, although these new eyes may be weird, they certainly aren't wonderful.
    
    As the legal proceedings develop, Ollie realizes that everyone he knows and loves is destined to die on the same day-a day that's only a matter of weeks away-and he might be the only one who can save them from the unfathomable cosmic entity that's sure to kill them.
    
    [ First draft. ]All Rights Reserved

college fantasy humor lovecraftian magic urbanfantasy

Table of contents

There's been a monster in the mirror since Ollie was eleven, and he only knows one thing: it despises the color yellow. So, when a truly terrible tragedy involving a spork and a too-long flight of stairs leaves him eyeless, and he's sent down the street to Magdalena's Emporium of the Weird & Wonderful to get a new pair, he knows just what color to choose.
    
    But the eyes are more than he bargained for. Ollie starts seeing death in everyone he touches, and the crotchety storekeeper, Susan, holds firm in her No Returns Accepted store policy.
    
    Ollie does what any reasonable twenty-something already drowning in insurmountable college debt with no fear of any god (capitalist or otherwise) would do and hires the best lawyer in town to force her hand. Well-versed in the matters of arguing, the lawyer thinks they have a real chance of winning on the grounds that, although these new eyes may be weird, they certainly aren't wonderful.
    
    As the legal proceedings develop, Ollie realizes that everyone he knows and loves is destined to die on the same day-a day that's only a matter of weeks away-and he might be the only one who can save them from the unfathomable cosmic entity that's sure to kill them.
    
    [ First draft. ]

5 parts