Snapey Wapey

Severus Snape is a cool dude. He really likes wizarding. He likes to eat Harry Potter's Hair every day, and he washes his hair with a mixture of vegetable oil and bacon grease. You could set his hair on fire because of how greasy it is. His hair is so oily that his hair's name is oil. At 2:25 every Tuesday morning, Severus Snape likes to go into Minerva McGonagall's room and eat a sharpened pencil. He then sharpens the rest of the pencils with his teeth. He is a Slytherin, and Slytherins are lit.
Snape likes towels. They are very greasy from his hair. Towels are very soft, unlike his personality. He also likes puzzles because sudoku is fun. Ruh Roh. He likes to sit in cooking class when he's sad, and when he's sad at night he sits in a cauldron and eats Harry's hair, staring at the ceiling singing Sounds of Silence. After a whole night of that, he'll walk out into his classroom and be like "ALL RIGHT CHILDREN GO SIT IN YOUR CAULDRONS AND CRY!" And then they do that and he goes back to his room and cries some more while sitting in a cauldron, eating Harry's hair and singing Sounds of Silence.
This is why he is Severus Snape: His birth certificate says so.
He likes to eat aluminum foil, because who doesn't. Ah, foil, my favorite meal. It actually doesn't taste good. Yuck.
When he's alone, he likes to cry himself to sleep. He also likes to tell Harry that his father died because he was too gay.