If Only
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- Parts 14
You know those people and things in life that we all take for granted like family and friends? That's me, I took everything for granted and now at this very moment in time I wish I hadn't. I wish I said I love you back to my mum and sisters. I wish I went out with my friends more, spent more time with them. I wish I went outside and admired the beauty that nature brings. But most of all I wish I didn't take him for granted. I should've done more to keep him, for him to love me the way I love him. It hurts me now knowing that I let him go as I did with everyone else in my life. I loved him as I've never loved anyone. He made me feel whole, like I've got everything that I could ever want. I would do anything for him.
Nobody wants to die, believe me, I don't. You don't get to know the exact day you're going to die, the day your whole life flashes before you. When this happens all your regrets come flooding in and you wish you had done so much more so you could die in peace. I didn't choose to die this way but I guess I can't choose whether or not I do.
Everyone has their story of how they die, well this is mine.
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They say what's in the past keep it in the past but I wanted to know all about my past. It was things that I didn't know and that I wanted and needed to know! But my life turned upside down when my past is exactly what I should have left alone. Now if you ask me how it all began, I don't exactly remember but I know it started when I moved in with my grandma who I haven't met in all my twenty years of living. I have been in and out of foster homes since I can remember, living with families I knew nothing about. Being the outcast and them constantly asking me what's wrong because I simply did not speak. The only thing that kept me sane was my good grades throughout school. I got the satisfaction of doing the one thing that people kept telling me over and over I couldn't do. I stayed to myself and graduated high school with honors, getting a full-ride scholarship to any college of my choice. Of course, by having this accomplishment, it didn't make it any easier for me between my foster families. To them, I became the girl who was better than them. But I didn't care because when I turned twenty I finally got to start making my own choices. This is where I wonder if the first choice I made was the right one. The first choice I made was to go live off-campus with my grandmother during my first semester in college. I ask myself how could I be so stupid? But you will see just how stupid I was. Or was I?
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