reasons i hate myself.

reasons i hate myself.

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Parts 2

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Last published Fri, Feb 28, 2020

health help imdone india love

i am in a terrible place right now but i dont know , if i am even allowed to feel so bad in the first place. this is just my self hate

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It's kinda depressing. Sorry. It's my only outlet.
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I'm trying to keep my eyes open while hearing the noises of doctors and the beeps of machines. It's feeling like something is going away from me. I'm trying my best to keep my conscious. But second by second my strength is draining and pain is increasing into my head and whole body. But right now , I don't give damn to my own self. Anything could happen to me. I don't care. But nothing should happen to my child ... he should survive and live his life unlike his mother "who never got anything in her life. First I couldn't get the love from my parents "which i deserved.." then i got the husband "who don't give shit to my existence. My whole life went trying to get the piece of love "which I at least deserved once in my life . But no one dared to give to me and now god is snatching my last happiness as well. Which is my child. When I'd got to know about him. A ray of hope I'd felt in my life. I thought at least now I'll able to get someone whom I could call mine. But seems like god couldn't see me stay happy and now I'm laying on death bed holding my womb pleading to god that he should keep my baby safe. But I guess he can't see me happy and soon I heard doctor's faint voice " who announced baby is no more. We lost the baby. He whispered looking at other doctors being dejected. Tears made their ways from my twitching eyes..' and I felt like to scream and cry bitterly. All the emotions are gushing towards my brain and heart. but being numb on the bed made me so helpless that I can't even cry. After battling I couldn't hold my sanity and fell unconscious.
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"𝐼𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑜𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑖𝑜𝑛, 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑒." 𝑀𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡. 𝐵𝑢𝑡 𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑜𝑓 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ 𝑎𝑠 𝑎 𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑠ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑒. ☼ ☼ ☼ 𝖱𝗂𝗅𝖾𝗒 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝖺 𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾. 𝖲𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗋𝗂𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗄𝖾𝖾𝗉 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗒 𝗌𝗆𝗂𝗅𝖾 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗇'𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝗌𝗂𝗆𝗉𝗅𝖾. 𝖶𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖯𝗁𝖾𝗈𝗇𝗂𝗑 𝗐𝖺𝗅𝗍𝗓𝖾𝗌 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾, 𝗌𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇'𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗉𝗎𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝖺𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗇𝗈𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝖿𝖾𝖺𝗋. 𝖧𝗈𝗐 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝗍𝗐𝗈 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝖻𝖾 𝗌𝗈 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖿𝖾𝖼𝗍 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖾𝖺𝖼𝗁 𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋? ☼ ☼ ☼ Just a bit of a disclaimer!! This book does reference suicidal thoughts and there are depictions if self harm! I am in the process of adding disclaimers to the proper chapters so if you are easily triggered by things, please check back in in a couple of days so that you are made well aware of any chapters that contain
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Forgotten Minds
PROLOGUE: X: I don't have a name? I don't know who I am? I never have. Everyone calls me X like the letter. I live in a hospital for mentally ill people. But. I am not mentally ill. I never have been. I don't know why, or how I got here? But all I do know is that I don't deserve to be here but we all know why im really here its because they think i'm... different... Tana: I've always liked the colour red. Red, is for rage, and anger, but it also means love and roses. How I love roses. My name is....well i was never given one, my parents didn't care enough i suppose but everyone calls me Tana. I've been stuck in a hospital without knowing why? My sister couldn't take care of me so I was placed in this hospital? I've always wondered why? Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so...different... CA$H: My name is CA$H. No one knows my real name and no one ever will! I am taking that shit to my grave. I have been in this dumb ass facility for two years now. Because I'm supposedly Ill like they have to be high or something right. Because I am not crazy. I KNOW I'm not. I think they put me in here because I'm... different... Ian: "Sometimes, happy memories hurt the most." That is the worst quote ever. How can happy memories hurt and be sad? If I had true, real happy memories I would never complain. Because to have happy memories you need to have sad ones. The meaning of life, what does that even mean? What does anything mean anymore? Maybe they're all right. Maybe I am just too...different...
It just felt right because It was unnecessary drama.
Well, this is a journal, so you found it. Can I say Happy reading into my life? The life of a kid who hates love. This is a love story, darling. Well, I don't know about you but I hate school, I have been told it is a place to mingle with good souls and create moments to cherish and to get yourself educated. It is a place for youth to strive and bloom into respected beings. It is a sanctuary of sanity. If you ask me, school is the definition of drama as it is the birthplace of drama. Youth is the ambassador of chaos, you can either make the chaos good or bad, worth the pleasure or the very cause of death. Life is too short to live with a sane mind, there is no harm in breaking rules to live life the way you want as long as it makes you good. As with any classical young adult romance, this book is filled with horny, hormone imbalance, chemical imbalances, not loved and very well-loved, mature(childish), caring(cruel ) teenagers. All of this drama only started because of one guy, Mark Austin Jawa, the golden boy of Winter Abyss High School. Maybe Mark had nothing to do at all.It was just about 4 kids learning to live Did I forget to say, there are inhuman beings as well in this story? There are romance, drama, revenge, supernatural, chaos, lust, betrayal, hate, friendship, mental health issues, Johnny Christopher Depp || fan and hater, selenophile, diversity of nations and their skins and of course, there are gays. There are also LGBTQ ++ in this pure chaos-filling story of 21st-century humans and the Novel Coronavirus 2019 Disease better known as Covid 19. Oh, I almost forgot, this tale is even more screw up than the famous love story of Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.
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Not Sick But Not Well.
This day wasn't an exception. I cried over and over until I could no longer, I wiped my tears and took the packages in my arms after opening the door. In the house, nothing new. They were still talking, so I had time to drop off the packages, and without even opening one, I headed to the showers, cleaned my face with water, and went to my room. This is roughly how my days as a child went. I know that it cannot be described as an ideal childhood, but it would certainly be the most beautiful period of my life. Despite family conflicts, school conflicts, loneliness, and fear, I was happy. I was happy because they were all there, happy because they always remained, despite my faults, and happy. After all, I knew that I had not yet experienced the worst. Happy because I knew, that sooner or later everything would end. So yes, I was as cowardly and useless as they all claimed and even more naive than they would have believed, but this vision that I had at that age kept me going. Although the truth was hard to accept, I was given no choice. So I accepted life as it came; I accepted myself and my truth, my weaknesses, and the fact that I had to get used to the idea that I would always be the first actor to die in films.

Sophomore Year Journal

It's kinda depressing. Sorry. It's my only outlet.

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