First Time For Everything

I have completely plunged for someone in just rare minutes.

It was one of those instantaneous connections, the kind that movies are made of. That's how it was in my head, at least.

But it didn't matter, as I was moving to another city, travelling, and exploring by this point. There was no way anything was going to happen because there was no space in either of our lives for it.

It was fireworks. Long conversations, physical connection, honesty, well I speculated. We carved out places forget ourselves. I found that I didn't have to play games, that I could be completely open with him.

I decided to make space for him in my life, no matter what. Even if I was just from a relationship.

It stung, yet how could I let go of someone who made me feel this way? The highs were so high.

We tiptoed around a relationship that stemmed from something real, yet became based on addiction and longing. It was a dangerous cycle of feeling broken when I left and high when he re-entered my life.

I knew he was working through his demons, too, and though I believe he cared for me on some level, he didn't have the ability or desire to give me what I needed.

I was putting up with what was offered to me, even though it wasn't enough.

Whenever he'd come back into my life, I'd cling to him emotionally and our connection would be as strong as ever, yet I'd return home in tears, knowing that it would be a long time between 'hits.'

We could both see I was getting hurt and that he felt stifled by expectation, yet neither of us could shift our desires or leave, so we'd find our way back to each other again.

It was the perfect storm. Eventually, we had to hit a wall.