I Can't Draw a line

Part 1 of a new 3 book short novel series. BxB/BL. Smut, bad language and a few depressed scenes included.
BASED on a true story.
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I was a kid who didn't want to be bothered or to bother anyone. So I was silent and alone for the most part, yet painfully aware I was different than the other kids, especially mentally.I thought If I messed everything up, there was no reason to try so hard like I did.
By age 12 a sense of self-pity and isolation had led to chronic depression, mostly social anxiety,& obsessive Compulsive disorder. I didnt WANT to socialize. I think that was the problem. I thought I was worthless, and that people who asked to be freinds just felt obligated to pity me.

Emotions amplified, they were and still are, too powerful. But I hid it. I still do.
When you have my kinds of depression and OCD, it's easily hidden, but hard to fight. I think it even led to my mild-high functioning autism lasting into teen years. I'm in a private new highschool, trying to start again. The first of 4 years I'd be there,and already attended their summer school. I don't even have 1 serious handicap. Just a failure. My mind was/is just screwed up. looked like a person who doesn't try in life. Even on medication.

Then it happened.
And "it" changed my feelings towards real love forever.

...A sweet shining face with glasses and freckles, named Sota. My heart, awoken, suddenly hit me with a sledgehammer, like the a**hole I knew it was. Shockingly, Hiroki just didn't really bother me, nomatter what he did. He isn't someone I would usually respect,Let alone find myself liking this way.

So why? It never goes well.I'm too emotionally sensitive for someone who had constant bitchface for years.
I shouldn't have the sub-conscious expectations I have, but I do. That always ends badly.
...But maybe it won't?
日本語に翻訳する場合があります