Starstar's Star + Friends/Rewrote Starkit to make it WORSE than before ;P

I'VE DONE IT. I SOMEHOW FOUND A WAY TO REWRITE STARKIT'S PROPHECY TO BE EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE.
Everyone's rewriting Starkit's prophecy to improve it, but to try to make it worse is a REAL challenge. I think I made the cut.
Okay but seriously, this is only half "joke story that's main gag is that it's bad" but it's kinda on the borderline of just a nonspecific comedy fanfic. If you have any jokes or ideas to make it even worse or for another running joke feel free to comment, because new ideas are more than welcome!
Note: This had a ton of spelling related jokes, like certain words or characters' dialogue that I make a running joke of misspelling, but most of the book is readable. The hardest scenes to read are the StarClan scenes- you'll see why.

WARNING, this fanfic contains none of the following:
-Dark, emotional moments that might make you cry
-Deep religious plot points that really make you think
-A poor, troubled soul who's just too perfect for this world
-Complicated and investing romance drama
-Catchy musical numbers
-Hyper accurate continuity
-Redtail (who?)
-Forbidden romance among multiple very important characters in Starstar's life that's obvious relevant enough to be mentioned more than two times
-Expert character naming
-Wise deceased ancestors who are known for impeccable articulation and at least a fourth grade language level (sadly accurate)
-Hilarity ensuing

Most of the beautiful comedy here is courtesy of my younger brother, the absolute king of comedy for his age, who helped me brainstorm ideas on how to do this.

[[ I don't own the original Starkit's prophecy, that delightful, obviously pleasant honor goes to the trolliest of all trolls, x.darkroses.x :) ]]