living with my secret

I couldn't cope with the thought of losing the two people who mattered most to me, they were everything to me. I just couldn't beat the pain, so I locked myself up in my room for days and refused to go out. Sometimes I feel like I see them and talk to them.
And other times, I just have this weird dream that scares me but I couldn't explain it to anyone not even my aunt.
Who cries every night that she doesn't want to lose me.
My aunt tried to make me meet different therapists, but I refused to leave my room.
After about a year, there was still no changes in me, my aunt made arrangements for us to move to Australia, it wasn't easy for any of us but my aunt thought my change of environment would help me forget about my friends. My friends parents were in great pain and I told my aunt I would like to pay them a visit before I finally left California. I went to lilly's house first and what I saw shocked me, I saw Lilly's mum lying on the ground in the midst of alcohol bottles. I couldn't blame her.....Lilly was the only companion she had. I just turned back and went straight to Ashley's house, her parents were already outside and the minute they saw me they turned to go back inside.
"Please wait, I have something to say"I said.
"We don't want to listen to whatever you have to say, you killed our daughter" Ashley's mum said and broke down in tears.
I turned and started running back home and I had different thoughts running through my head.
"Why am I still alive??" "why did I not die with them??".
I cried all the way back home and my aunt and I took the next available flight to Australia.

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