Clocked Heart (GirlxGirl)

I was never one to daydream about my fantasy wedding, nor was I invested in the idea of "true love" as idealized by Disney movies and romantic comedies. While my friends lapped that stuff up, I just wanted to spit it out. What I actually wanted to do was admit to myself who I really was. I repressed my sexuality not only because I was scared of my family and friends' reactions to me being gay, but because I felt that it would be somehow "wrong" for me to be a lesbian. I was suffocating under the pressure I put on myself. For almost 2 years, I oscillated wildly between confusion and fear in regards to my sexuality, wrapping myself in lies as I went along. Being "too busy" for a boyfriend was my go-to reply when friends asked me why I wasn't dating anyone. I dodged questions like that for far too long. In the spring of 2016, still chronically sad, I became an insomniac. I had begrudgingly accepted that I was, in fact, a lesbian, and spoken to a few girls on dating apps to find a sense of comfort in my sexuality. But trying to find love online, especially while grappling with school of hiding my sexuality from the outside world, seemed to be futile. I wasn't feeling a strong physical attraction to anyone, for starters, and I was admittedly still struggling to accept myself. So I surrendered to my insecurities and decided that being in love. Hi I'm Alise